The Ace Posse
by wombatpower
Summary: NOT COMPLETE / ON HOLD Ever wondered what the boys were thinking about the ace gang? This is a fic dedicated to the Ace posse in Dave's point of view going back and showing just what goes on in the minds of boy loons. Better explanation in first chappy.
1. The ace posse

**Introduction: READ, IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER… MAYBE…**

**Hello again :D Okay, I'm a newby (well sort of anywho) in to the world of Georgia Nicolson fan fic, and in my other fic I have muchos funos writing about the boys and Dave. So much fun in fact that I've decided to bite the bullet and try writing a fan fic based on **_**them **_**rather than the ace gang – the ace posse! I've got Dave as the main speaker and the chappys will be based on events from the books but from their point of view (like Dave meeting Georgia, the red herring fandango, the fish party, camping e.t.c ) so the chapters will be a bit spaced out time wise coz of this if that makes any sense at all. Which it doesn't. Because I've just read it. Basically it's much fluff and fun – hopefully ;) **

**Anyway, I've wittered on for far too long. Here it goes. If the first chapter is any good give me a sign and I'll continue on with this idea :D **

**This is when Dave meets Georgia for the first time… (So for that reason there's not a lot of georgiaisms in there because he has not heard them yet. i will shut up now. ) **

* * *

**Blodge **

Oh fantastic. Biology. Can life get any better? No, no it can't possibly or I will explode from the excitement. Still, at least I've got Ed next to me to keep me entertained. I must say his impression of onion cell is tip top at the moment. I'm very very impressed. I must tell him this.

**1 minute later**

I said to Ed "Ed I'm very very impressed. Your impression of an onion cell is tip top."

He said "Thankyou Daveo I've been practising."

**2 minutes later**

I think I might have to kill myself, just to end this pain. Honestly, this is beyond ridiculous. Why I'm not allowed to sit next to Rollo I don't know. It's a bloody mystery. Okay I admit, we did get into a bit of trouble last year, but that's no reason to move us to separate sides of the room. Okay, so we set fire to spotty Norman's text book and shoved it in a cupboard because Dr Bridgeway walked into the room. Big deal! I still maintain it would have gone out by its self if Dr Bridgeway hadn't insisted on opening the cupboard to find out why smoke was coming though it. It was his own fault really. The sudden rush of oxygen you see. How were we supposed to know that it would explode into flame again when he opened it?

**1 minute later**

And set fire to his beard?

**5 minutes later**

Tom's not even here to send annoying notes to. Off to Bruges or somewhere beginning with a B. Whilst the rest of us are stuck in science. Pretending that we care. I will just have to make do with annoying his beardyness.

**10 minutes later**

I was busy planning my excuse about why I had 'forgotten' my English coursework when Dr Bridgeway pointed to me and said "David perhaps you can give us the answer"

Huh?! Answer to what? What excitement could I have possibly missed? I looked at Ed and he just gave me a shrug. Very useful.

I said "Huh, answer to what?"

"Answer to the question."

"What question?"

"The question I just asked."

"Which was?"

Then for no reason he got really shirty with me and started to pull up his trousers and tutt. He said "David Stuart, how on earth do you expect to pass your GCSEs and gain decent qualifications if you simply refuse to listen to a single thing I say?!"

I said "Pardon?"

**Lunchtime**

**In detention. **

Some people just can't take a joke. Honestly, what is the world coming to? Innocents like me being thrust into lifetimes worth of detention sorting files while complete twits of the first water like Mark 'gob the size of a whale' get to go around binning everything smaller than them. Which isn't hard. He is after all massive.

**1 minute later**

Looked out of the window to find Rollo and Ed waving like madmen. Which they are. I went over to them and said "Would you kindly bugger off, for I have to sort through 5 years worth of folders in half an hour if I ever wish to go home again."

Rollo shrugged and said "Charming. Listen mate thought you might like to know that Tom's big brother is having a gig at that club, the er mental melon or something."

Ed punched him in the arm and said "It's the crazy coconut you pillock."

Rollo shrugged again ( He thinks he looks cool when he does that. He looks like a prat.) and said " yeah what evs, same difference. It's still a fruit ! Anyway, like I was saying Robbie is doing a gig there with the Stiff Dylans on Wednesday AND WHAT'S MORE Tom rang me to say we are all invited AND WHAT'S MORE there will be girls there. _And _Tom said that Robbie said that he knows someone who liiiiikes you!"

He clearly saw how confuzzled I was because then he said "Yeah you know that girl Georgia, Jas's best mate? Well Robbie said that she wants to see you there. Cool eh?"

I said "Oh God, she's not a nutter is she?"

Ed said "Of course she is. Why else would she want to meet you?"

I whacked him hard around the head for that with the 'homework folder.' Honestly. How sad do you have to be to have a folder dedicated to your pupils' homework? Very, that is the answer. Still, it's not like he gets much chance to use it. I took a sneaky peak and there are literally two pieces of paper in there. One from Rollo after he was forced to write lines last week, and the other from me. It says 'I O U my science research.' I wrote that two years ago.

**3:20 PM**

**Schools out!**

Packing bag with my posse. Hmm, that is actually a rather cool name for us. I must tell the others this.

**5 minutes later**

I said to Rollo and Ed "We must have a name for our grouping. It is essential, my life will never be complete if we don't have one."

Ed said "That is incredibly sad Dave."

I said "Ah but is it?"

Rollo said "Yes it is" but then he looked thoughtful for a second. Freaky! The only time I've seen Rollo looking thoughtful was in maths when Tom asked him Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston.

I said "Wow Rollo don't strain your self. You look like you are very almost using your brain."

He said "Shut up I'm thinking" THINKING?! it's more serious than I thought.

After about a minute of looking strange (i.e in thought) Rollo suddenly grinned really widely and nudged Ed and me in the ribs pointing to the gates.

He shouted "Oy DEC! DEC! DEC MOVE YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE!" Rollo is full of charm.

Dec came scampering over and high fived us like the loon he is. Actually I hadn't seen Dec since assembly this morning. How strange.

I said "Where in the name of Mr Sampson's pantyhose have you been all day?"

Dec shrugged (What is it with the shrugging? Why does every one do this?) and said "I've been being repressed maaaaaaan!"

Ed said "You were put in isolation weren't you?"

"Yep."

I shook my head. An outrage! Dec is best behaved out of all of us. He actually does his froggie homework. ( Even Tom doesn't do that, and he's practically a saint since he met Jas. Actually, I still haven't met her yet. At this rate I'm not entirely convinced she's real, but apparently Rollo saw her last week and she's 'well buff, but with a lot of fringe').

Anyway, where was i before i so rudely interrupted myself? Oh yes!

I said "What for? You are the best behaved out of all of us!"

Dec said "I know! I was put in isolation because _someone_ (and he poked me really hard on the chest) decided it would be a brilliant idea to answer back in assembly today, and made me almost pee myself laughing. Apparently I showed 'a great lack of respect'.

Rollo said "Geez, they put you in isolation for that? Dave and I escaped with a five minute detention for pouring soap in the fountain!"

Ah, I'd almost forgotten about that. We must re-do that this year.

Ed turned to me and said "Oh that was you? Should have guessed really."

Rollo (like the dim twit he is) said "What? What happened? What did you say?"

Ed just looked at him. He said "How could you not have heard it? I was right at the front of the hall and I heard it!"

Rollo whacked him with his bag and said "I was in the art rooms remember? Prepping for the exam?"

I said "Oh laydeeeez put the handbags down. Rollo, if you must know you missed a riveting lecture about not eating in the form rooms. Mr Sampson was raving on about rats and mice and stuff and at the end of his rant he said "So don't eat in the form rooms, because we all know what that attracts!" And I shouted 'yeah floor lickers'."

I thought Rollo was going to split his trousers.

**6:30 PM **

**In my room at home trying to drown out my brothers singing**

Phone rang

I said "Ah bonjourio Mes amies! Can I enquire as to who is calling?"

"Hiya Dave, it's Tom."

"Yo, what's appening in er, wherever you are?"

"I've gone to Birmingham."

"Really?! i thought you were in Bruges?"

"That's in Belgium you twit!"

"Hey, i never said geoggers was a strong point of mine."

"Look, did Rollo tell you lot about Robbie's gig?"

"Ah oui! I'm surprised you rang him actually. Rollo is not the safest bet if you want a message to be passed on. He has the memory of a spoon."

"Yeah well, Rollo is the only one with a mobile. Did he tell you about Gee?"

Gee? Huh?

"Er what?"

"Georgia? Robbie said something about you to her when they split and she's going to be there… remember?"

"Oh yeah Rollo did say that."

Silence for a bit

"So you'll be there then?"

"Yep Tomathy I'll be there. I can't possibly deprive people of my company, that would just be cruel"

"If I didn't know you Dave I'd say you were full of it."

"And if I didn't know you Tom I'd say you like wild life way too much!" and I slammed the phone down. Ha ha that will teach him!

**10 minutes later**

Peter, twit brother and a half came bundling into my room.

Honestly, he is two years younger than me, but already taller. What is the point? Or vas ist der point as some deutchland people will say. Maybe. Oh I don't know I don't do german.

He practically knocked down my door when he came in.

I said "Knocking is the best policy Peter, you twit and fool, if you do not wish to be made mince meat off."

He just rolled his eyes at me and jumped on my bed. I will kill him, I will.

He said "Soooooooo…"

I said "Whaaaaaaat……"

"I hear you're going to club coconut next wed?"

Huh? How in the name of… of… how?

I said "Pete, how in the name of my imaginary pet camel did you know that?"

He said " How could I not know? Rollo has been telling everyone he knows and told your mate Danny who told his brother Ollie who told me."

I said "Your point is?"

He said "You give me your stash of hidden crunchie bars, and I'll back your lame cover of 'oh I was over at Rollo's to study' when Mum and Dad discover what a crap liar you are and quiz you about showing up at three in the morning. Deal?"

I said "No, kindly bugger off out of my room."

He said "Fine, I will just tell mum and dad your plans and they will stop you from going and meeting_ Georgia_."

He is a criminal mastermind and I hate him. I never thought I'd think this but I actually miss big bro Jake. The big fool buggering off to uni means I have to put up with Pete's crap all day by myself. I almost want him back.

**1 minute later**

Almost.

**Thursday 23rd September **

Rubbish morning. Rubbish break. Detention at lunch for having a sense of humour. Loads of homework. No crunchie bars. A crap day. A crap life. A brother I want to kill.

**Sun 26****th**** September**

**8:30 PM**

Dec rang

He said "oy oy, just to let you know, we're on operation Rambo on tomorrow."

Operation Rambo is a work of genius. I managed to escape the valley of the mad (i.e home) earlier and go round Ed's with Dec and Rollo in the arvie to perfect it. Of course not without the age old lecture from dearest papa saying "Be back by dinner, don't talk to strangers, don't take sweets from randomers, don't set fire to anything, blah blah blah". Honestly, I am 15 years of age, soon to be 16. Why can he not see this? Okay I admit, at the moment I am a bit on the small side (even my 13 year old twit of a brother is taller) but I am growing!

I said to him "Just because I am not 6 foot 5 and I don't have a beard, it does not mean that I have the mental age of a five year old. I can in fact get through the day without your lecture about 'stranger danger'. I take care of myself and of my camel very well thankyou."

That shut him up.

Anyway, operation Rambo is a work of art. We simply remove our school ties from around our necks, wrap them around our heads and grunt all day instead of speaking. Most excellent. It almost beats a good binning.

**Mon 27****th**** September **

**Maths :- Operation Rambo agogo. **

I must say it was tres amusant walking into to maths with Rambo in action. Smithy almost had a fit when he saw us. Tom would say it was a nervey b (?!) but he was not there to share the joy. Still sunning himself in, er, that place he's in.

Smithy said "What on earth do you think you are doing? Remove those ties from around your heads immediately! I mean it! I'll inform Mr Sampson of this!"

I shouted "Dive for cover lads, we're under attack!" and everyone in our maths class chucked themselves under their desks. And I mean everyone. Even Phil the nerd did it. I have to say it almost brought a tear to my eye. We spent about 5 minutes diving underneath desks, with Dec, Rollo and Ed and me popping up occasionally and shouting "coast is clear" every time Smithy turned his back on us and wrote on the board. Then as soon as he turned around to see who shouted we'd all yell and dive under the desks again. I thought I'd die from laughing. We had to stop when Mr Sampson our beloved head teacher was brought in though. As funny as it was none of us really wanted to have double after school detention.

**Wednesday 29****th**** September**

At Rollo's house getting ready to partaaaay!

**8:30 PM **

This is ridiculous. I have no decent trousers to wear. Why? Because pillock and twit of the first water Peter nicked them all and used them as goal posts for his footie game. As I said to mum when the police come around to arrest me for murder I think they will be very understanding of me. Also the ones I'm wearing have pizza all down them and I can't borrow any of the guy's stuff because they are either a) being worn b) in the wash or c) in Rollo's case scary beyond belief. The only pair he has available are bright green. I would rather be in my nuddy pants thankyou very much. Which I will end up doing at this rate. I am for one NOT going out in my super man boxer shorts.

**5 minutes later**

Still in boxers staring at Rollo's trousers. I can't wear those things surely. They are beyond the realms of hideousness. Not even someone with the cosmic horn could love them.

**2 minutes later**

No I can't… I will never recover. I will need counselling if I wear those things.

**1 minute later**

Ed to the rescue! In his spare (!) combats after spending an hour in my boxers staring at Rollo's scary pants trousers. Honestly who has spare pairs of trousers in their bags? I would have said something but I was just glad not to have to wear _those _things Rollo was shoving in my face.

**Club coconut**

**11:00 PM **

Standing by the bar on 'cat patrol' with Ed, Dec, Rollo, Steve, Danny and some of 'the Dame's' crowd. Basically we stand about looking cool and groovy until a song comes on we can actually dance to, and we drag some girl (or bird) to boogie on down with us. Jeez I luuurve Tom (strictly in a non homosexualist way of course.) and his family but Robbie really does write some depressing songs. I think this one is about a fish trapped in a net. I tried to start a conga to it but as Ed said no wanted to join my cong.

**1 minute later**

Rollo nudged me and said "oy look over there. I think that's Jas and her mate. I think she must be Gee."

I said "Er, where? In case you haven't noticed we are in a club, there are a lot of people here. I do not have a magic eye you know."

He said "Look, over there you fool. Blimey there's three others with them. And that huge Swedish bloke whose in upper sixth and wearing flares. Sven isn't it? I wonder if he's going out with any one of them?"

I said "Why are you interested?" and then we all burst out laughing like lunatics.

Then a tallish blonde girl came over to us and started to talk to Rollo.

She said "Hey, Rollo isn't it?"

He nodded (scarily sensible. I was so frightened I had to look away) and she said "Hi, I don't know if you remember me but I'm Jas. Who is Dave the laugh?"

Flicky fringey, nod nod.

Rollo poked me and said "This is Dave the laugh."

Flicky flick on her fringe. (Why does she do that? It makes her look like a horse swatting flies with it's tail. I think Tom must really like it. It's like Dec with his obsession over stutters)

I said "Why?"

Jas said "Because my mate Georgia really rates you."

And then she smiled (she is actually quite a fit looking girl) and then walked back over to her mate. Then she pointed really obviously at me.

I shrugged (hopefully looking cool and sophis. Dec said I looked like I had fibreglass in my shirt – which is the most uncomfortable feeling known to mankind – but I like to think he is just jealous of my shrugging skills. That is what I like to think.)

I mouthed to Jas "Is that her?" and she nodded like one of those nodding dogs.

I thought Georgia was going to kill her.

**11: 35 PM**

Rollo and Dec went off with some of Jas's mates. They are all fit looking girls it has to be said. Especially Georgia. I have spent the last half hour just staring at them dancing. I'm too scared to go over at the moment though. That huge Swedish bloke is doing the funky chicken and his flares are everywhere. Honestly it is a safety hazard. Steve caught me staring at them and said "Dave, I hate to inform you of this but you are acting like a crazy stalker at the mo."

I said "What do you mean _acting_?" and gave him the cross eyed look.

He saluted and said "Ah most excellent" and then went off to boogie on down.

**00.15 AM**

Finally said hello. I trapped Georgia and Jas just outside the wazzarium and said "Hi!" Very good Dave! Nice and casual, not too weird.

I think at first she was a bit startled because she sort of sucked her nose in, but then she smiled a really nice half smile and said "Oh hi!"

I said "Are you Georgia?"

She said "Well I'm not the pope!"

**3:10 AM **

Sneaking into my room

Well I think that all went rather well. I danced with her and her mates quite a bit after I said hi. I even did the funky chicken with Sven, though I must admit was a little bit shocked when he picked me up and kissed me on the cheeks.

I said to him "oo er are you on the turn?"

He said "Ja you are my chicklet!" and then snogged the face of the girl with matching silver flares (Rosie I think. I have reason to believe she is not entirely normal)

We left the club together (no, not like that you cheeky cat) and I said in all my sophistication "Georgia, are you walking to the night bus stop?" She looked over at the band for about 5 seconds and then practically pissed herself laughing. I think it was a delayed reaction. I was a bit shocked actually. That joke is clearly more hilarious than I first thought.

When we reached the bus stop it was just me, Gee and Jas. I think Georgia had something in her eye because Tom's fellow vole lover decided to prod about in it. Unless that's just some sort of girlie ritual for saying good night to each other. It could be for all I know. They are like a different species. I have told that night bus joke to the guys and all I got each time was a groan and a whack on the head. The first time I tell it to a girl and she leaves a puddle on the floor. It's a bloody mystery.

Anyway my bus came and I said s'later to her. I even winked. I can only hope she didn't think I also had something in my eye. Then we would be a dodgy eye couple. We'd have to go on dates to spec savers. Still, I think she likes me. Life is good. I shall call her tomorrow after daily torture (school) is done!

**1 minute later**

Merde! I forgot to get her number!

**So there you have it! The first ridiculously long chapter. Like I said if it's any good give me a sign and I'll do the next chappy (which will be their first dates and the red herring fandango) **

**S'laters for now :D**


	2. Hornmeister and the Kittykat

**Hello, me again! Thankyou very very much for your reviews! I feel very loved at the mo! last time I checked it was 16! i almost spat out my hob nob (which is quite an achievement seeing as i wasn't eating one at the time) And as promised this is me officially kicking this fic into gear. I hope I'm getting Dave's voice right, but he's a crafty sod to do! Also, To answer your question my fair lady, I'm going to try and add in my own subplots (probably to do with the laugh family and more with the guys at school) but I cannot guarantee that they will be any good. At all. Still all is love in the world of many PANTS.**

**P.S I know some bits might be a little soppy for Dave, but my excuse is he's in luuuuuuuurve and his showing his sweet side :P**

**This chappy is Dave and Georgia going out. Hope you LOBE it ;) **

* * *

**Monday 4****th**** October**

**5:35 PM **

Okay, I am officially going mad. I have phoned Tom ten times and no bloody answer. Probably too busy snogging voles in Brighton. Perfect. Just perfect. This is my perfect life:

I can get hold of none of my so-called friends

I do not have a girl friend

The girl I want to be my girlfriend either thinks that a) I don't like her because I was a prat and forgot to get her number or b) is glad I haven't called as I scared her off with my crazy (very cool) dancing

I got binned by Mark and his band of twits today.

**6:15 PM **

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love Tom.

I rang him again and got an answer this time.

He said "Dave stop ringing me! I got your 14 messages, I know you want to talk!"

I said "Ah but me ringing you means you save money, and as it is me who wants you, I only feel it is my duty to keep on ringing until I get an answer. If it were you ringing me asking for me to give you something I would fully expect you to keep on ringing until I was in and answered. Do you see what I mean?"

"Please shut up now."

"Charming. How is Brighton?"

"For the last time Dave, I'm in Birmingham. What do you want?"

"Well that's just lovely Tom! I ring you up just to see how you're doing, enquire as to how you are coping in the land of ice creams, and you automatically assume that I'm after something, I mean that's just –"

"Dave get to the point. I have a ramble planned."

"Listen do you have her number?"

"Who's?"

"The queen's. Look who do you think I mean?"

"Oh, Georgia! Yeah, yeah I do."

Silence.

"Er, Tom…"

"Yeah?"

"The number please?"

"Oh yeah right!"

He really is the biggest twit known to man-kind. Normally I would have told him that but I really didn't want him to hang up.

After he gave it to me he said "So are you going to ring her then?"

"No, no. I just rang you 15 times in the last hour so I could get a number for a girl I never wanted to see again. No, in actual fact I'm going to burn it in a religious ceremony, right after I sacrifice that goat I bought from the market on Sunday."

He laughed and said "Yeah, very funny smart arse."

Au touché.

**6:25 PM**

Okay, I feel a bit sick now. Calm, Dave, calm. You will simply call her, be your usual charming self, and then she is bound to say yes. You are Jack the biscuit. You are the king of hob nobs.

**6:50 PM **

OH YES! I love life, it is official. I am so happy I could snog a duck. But I won't. Because I am not that way inclined. We are meeting in the park for swings and walking after school on Friday. And, I made her laugh, that is always a plus. I said it would be 'groovy' to see her again. Why I said groovy I don't know. I also said 'nippy noodles'. What is wrong with me? I think I'm feverish.

**7:00 PM**

Oh god. I said nippy noodles.

**1 minute later**

Yeah but she laughed. Clearly she is not entirely sane herself.

**2 minutes later**

Oh my giddy aunt. What if it was a nervous laugh?! What if she thinks I'm a freak of nature and just did that to get me off the phone?

**1 minute later**

I just said 'oh my giddy aunt'. Christ on a bike there really is something wrong with me.

**2 minutes later**

No, I'm sure I am just over reacting… But I better check with the guys just in case.

**5 minutes later**

Fandabbytastic. Tom, Dec and Ed are all out. Why can't they just stay inside when I need them? They are so self obsessed that is why. Rollo is my last hope.

**7:30 PM **

Rang Rollo. Really wish I hadn't bothered.

"Yo Rollo!"

"Davey boy, what's happening?"

"Have you ever said 'nippy noodles'?"

"Wow, dive right in there why don't you."

"Answer the question you prat. I am in a state of pure confuzzlesion."

"Er, no. What does that even mean?"

"That it's cold outside. Tom started using it and now I've started using it and I might have said that on the phone when I was ringing up Gee, and now I'm worried because she laughed but I can't figure out whether it was the good old 'Ha ha Dave you are really quite a laugh' laugh or whether it was a 'quick fetch the shot gun and hide all my jewellery' laugh."

There was silence for a bit and I was starting to wonder whether he'd gone off to smother himself in more hair gel when he said "Oooooh, nice one. She officially thinks you're a nutter." and then he hung up.

Great, thankyou Rollo, that's just great.

**Friday 8****th**** October**

**4:30 PM **

Getting ready for 'the big date' as Pete, twit and a fool keeps on saying to me. Thankfully I have my wingmen with me (Rollo, Ed and Dec. Tom is still off in er, that place)

Rollo said to me "So do you have a plan?"

I said "Yes. My plan is show up on time, meet her and then go home."

Dec shook his head. He said "That is a rubbish plan."

I said "Well what would your plan be then?"

He said "I would not have a plan. I would go with the flow."

Ed said "Yes, that is a better plan."

Rollo said "Mmmmm, I think you should go with that plan."

I said " So you all think I should go with the plan where the plan is to not have a plan?"

They all nodded like that stupid Churchill dog from the adverts. They all looked like fools. Fools with gelled up hair.

**9:35 PM **

Walking home thinking.

That was actually are rather good night. I showed up a bit early so spent about ten minutes talking to the ducks, which was very amusing as I scared the park warden (who looks a lot like our school caretaker Phil, and is just as charming) when he ran over to me.

He yelled at me "Get away from those ducks, you're terrorising them!"

I said " No I'm not. I am talking to them. They like me. They are eating my trousers. I am their mother hen. These are my babies!"

He ran hobbled away rather quickly after that, muttering something about 'the youth of today'.

When Georgia appeared I had to leave them. I like think they were sad to see me go, but in actual fact about ten seconds after I left they couldn't have given a toss and went to badger some old people for food.

It was a bit awkward at first with her. We just walked slowly across the field talking and brushing arms a bit. I said my life time ambition was to be a stand up comedian and she said "You should have my life. It would give you lot's of material" which made me laugh (hopefully in an attractive way and not in the 'gulping for air, spluttering twit' way.)

It was weird actually. Everytime she moved from side to side there was a wheezing noise. I turned to her and said " Have you noticed how when you go from side to side there is this sort of wheezing noise?"

She smiled and started to laugh and then we snogged. Phwoar she is a tip top snogger. I was getting really into it, you know, enjoying the moment, ( I even tried that lip nibble thing Jake told me about. Who'd have thought that that disturbing conversation I had with him when I was 8 would turn out to be useful?!) When four girls jumped out from behind a tree. Literally jumped. I leapt back and almost hit my head on a bench. I recognised them all from the gig as Jas and Georgia's mates.

Rosie (I think her name is) shouted "Oh hello Georgia it's YOU!" She sounded like someone had hit her over the head with a hammer. Either that or she was on drugs. And the others just stood behind her nodding like nodding things.

I always knew girls were a bit strange but they take the cake of insanity. I am very impressed.

**10:30 PM**

Phone rang.

It was Tom.

"How was your date then?" No subtlety there then. Not even a hello first. Very good veggie boy.

"Ah good evening to you Tom, as well. May I enquire as to your phoning of me?"

"Shut up you fool and tell me."

Lovely, isn't he?

"Fine, it was good. I scared the park warden, we walked, we snogged and I had the pleasure of meeting her mates."

"Oh god. Which ones?" He sounded a bit on the scardy pants side.

"Er, well I think it was Ellen, Mabs, Jools and Rosie."

Silence for a bit

"Tom? Tom…?"

"Blimey. And you survived? Clearly you and Gee are made for each other then. Rosie is not actually entirely normal."

"Yeah strangely enough I noticed that. She jumped out from behind a tree and started talking to us, shouting every other word. I think she might have had a bit too much coke."

**Sunday 10****th**** October **

**9:30 PM **

Eating a cornflake sarnie.

A good day. I have just found out we get rid of Pete for a week next month in a school trip. Result! When he told us I leapt up into the air and did some celebratory air guitar Jimmy Hendrix style. That of course got mum into full frontal tutting mode saying "David, can't you just be sensible for once! You're an embarrassment and a liability!" which I think is a tad harsh. It's not like the high street was crowded with shoppers at the time, but the ones that were there clapped and shouted "Encore! Encore!" Sadly I had to leave them without though, as Mum yanked me away down the street by my hood. I swear one of these days in will be forced to call child line.

I went round to Gee's house earlier to pick her up for our 'hot date' as dad insists on calling it. (As I so rightly said to him, if he ever says that again I'm putting myself up for adoption. )

I showed up at her house with my false moustache on (the handlebar tashe). I like to think I was very sophis, that is what I like to think. I also think I scared the PANTS off her Dad, who insisted on hovering about in the kitchen when I was standing in the doorway. She pulled me away though before he tried to talk to me, and said something about 'protecting my sanity.'

Anywho, we went to the piccies and snogged. The film was some crappy chic flic, but it was worth sitting through it to be with her. Even if I did almost swallow my ice cream whole when her mate Rosie popped up behind us again. I don't know why but I just feel… comfortable around Georgia. All the awkwardness is gone now. Maybe it's because we're meant to be… Or maybe it's because when I phoned her yesterday her sister hijacked the phone and told me in deep detail about the spot on her bum oley. When you reach that stage in the dating game, there's really no reason to be shy anymore.

**Monday 11****th**** October **

**French**

Oh I miss my french buddy. Tom has (stupidly) decided to stay in Brussels for a few more days, meaning we have to suffer without him. Still, it's a sub today ( miss Turner, the devil in a woollen cardy) so I'm sat next to Rollo, Ed and Dec. Actually sat _next _to Rollo is a bit inaccurate. Sat _on_ is more like it. There is simply no room at these poxy tables, so I improvised.

Of course miss Turner cam over to me and said "David, could you possibly go and sit on a chair?"

I said "But another chair will not fit at this table."

She said "I know. Move."

I said "But miss, by sitting on Rollo's lap I am actually _helping _against global warming! I am reducing my carbon chair usage, by chair sharing with my chair buddy. If everyone did this we would all reduce the number of chairs being made in chair factories, which will help reduce the amount of fossil fuels used and then that would –"

She said "Shut up and work for once." And then walked off.

As I said to my chair buddy, she just radiates love and affection when she talks to me.

When we finally got rid of her we were busy discussing girls.

Rollo said "Mmm, I must get myself a girlfriend. I really like the look of Jas and Georgia's mate, the one with long brown hair. Jools isn't it?

Dec said "Yeah. The one you were dancing with at the club."

"Yeah that's her. She is buff."

Mmm, now that he mentions it Jools is actually very good looking.

Ed said "So just ask her out then. She is bound to say yes."

I said "Yeah, she is bound to. You are Jack the biscuits chair mate, she will be begging to go out with you."

Rollo nodded and said "Yeah, but I still think I'm going to leave it for a bit. Maybe leave subtle hints that I like her first, then go for it."

I said "No, girls do not get subtle hints from boy's. They only get them from other girls. No, what you must do is tell her out straight that you like her. That is what I did with Gee."

"So you are officially going out now?"

"Yep. We are official snogging partners. She just could not resist me. She has seen my dancing after all. I even sent her a card for our anniversary."

Ed said "But you have only being going out for a week."

I said "Ah, but it was our 1 week anniversary. You must remember that girls like that sort of thing. They like to be told they are looking absolutely spiffing every 5 minutes, be sent cute cards and be rung just to say how much we like them in the evening."

Dec said "Yes, Dave has a point. That is why he is always getting the laydeeeeeez."

Rollo said "Dave is not always getting the laydeeeeeez!"

I biffed him over the head (and got the death glare from her woollyness) and said " Excuse me farmer Joe. I'll think you'll find I am always getting the laydeeeez. They practically stalk me over the road, I may have to get a body guard. I am like Madonna, except not a fifty year old rich woman, with blonde hair and scary leggings."

He nodded and said "Yes, that may be true, but how many girl friends have you had?"

"Well I - "

"Exactly. You might look all pretty and cute (!) but when they speak to you they run away. That is because you always scare them off with your crazy dancing or your Gary Barlow impression."

I punched him in the arm.

Ed said "Actually, Rollo also has a point. You really must stop doing that thing, it is frightening and sounds nothing like him."

Dec nodded. "Yes, yes I am in agreement with these lot. Please never do it again."

And I was just about to protest when Rollo stood up really quickly and made me thump on the floor.

I said "OW! I think I've just broken my bottom!"

They just laughed

**Tuesday 12****th**** October **

**Lunch time **

Busy playing footie with Dec, Ed and Danny (maths homework for goal posts) when Rollo came running up to us and hoofed the ball onto the roof. I though Danny was going to kill him. He is a big guy after all, and it had taken him all but three weeks to nick that thing from tosser Thompson and his band of trainie tossers.

I said "Aw Rol! What in the name of arse do you think you are doing? Hoofing a footie onto the roof is a capital offence."

Dec said "Yes, it's been nice knowing you. Prepare to die."

Rollo was still grinning like the FULE he is though. He said "I have news that will make you love me forever."

I said "Go on then, before we bundle you."

He said "A reliable source has just told me that there is a hockey match playing across the road AND WHAT'S MORE Georgia is playing AND WHAT'S MORE all her mates will be there AND WHAT'S MORE it's when we have Maths."

Ed said (very dimly) "And your point is?"

"My point is that we skive, watch girls in short skirts, Dave can snog, and I can 'accidentally' bump into Jools."

I nodded and gave him the cross eyed salute of my approval.

"Yes! Tip top Rollo! All is forgiven, for you have just literally made my day!"

Danny (still a bit pissed off) said "So you want to SKIVE maths, LEAVE THE SCHOOL PROPERTY, and risk WEEKS of suspension just so you can stalk a girl?!"

Rollo said "Correctomundo."

Danny said "Oh. Alright then."

He really has very little pride when there are nungas involved.

**2:30 PM**

**Crouching behind the gate to the girls field, freezing my knackers off. **

Brrrr! It is beyond nippy noodles and into the realms of freezing fries! It is so cold we have had to group together and link our blazers (the old button into the blazer next to you and then be buttoned into) so we do not die of pneumonia. We actually look quite funkay like this. Like a giant troop of penguins in stripy blue ties. The only frog in the ointment is that we can't be seen by anyone, and it is actually quite difficult to go unnoticed when you are all linked together by your blazers. We are not helped by the fact that Ed is the most clumsy buffoon known to have existed. He has fallen over three times in the last minute and we are not even moving. In fact we are not even standing. Mind you I am not surprised. I have after all seen Ed open a door into his face before and knock himself unconscious, so this is just low level clutzyness.

**3:20 PM **

A brilliant match. Who'd have thought girls hockey would be so entertaining. It's a lot more violent than I imagined. One girl was in tears at one point.

I said to Dec "Cor blimey gov'ner that must have been a thwack and a half!" but he was too busy looking for any hints of knicker flashing with the others. They have grown quite expert at spotting any signs of rudey dudeyness actually. It's like a sixth sense. As soon as a sudden gust of wind blows they all leap up and cheer, see the flash, then pop back down again. The only problem with that is that we are all attached to each other, so every time they jump I get strangled by my blazer. And then when we have to jump back on the floor again I'm on the bottom of the huge bundle. It is a hard life.

**4:12 PM **

They won! They won!! Gee smacked in the winning, er, goal (?) with literally seconds to spare. The crowd went wild, we started to sing "THAT'S THE WAY, UH HUH UH HUH, WE LIKE IT, UH HUH UH UH!" and then out of now where a blonde bint with really big nungas (I swear they have to be fake) came and hacked Georgia down!

I leapt up like a salmon on happy pills with the others right behind me and shouted "PENALTY! AN OUTRAGE AN OUTRAGE!"

Dec, Ed and Danny were nodding saying "Here here." and "Pip pip!"

Rollo just stared at the field and said "Er lads, I think the girl who just hacked down Georgia was on her side."

Blimey. Talk about team spirit.

**4:30 PM **

All the guys left me to return to their lunatic head quarters so I was left waiting for the girls all aloney. Even Rollo buggered off. I thought he'd be desperate to get close to Jools but he murmured something about 'getting the moment right' and then shoved me in a bush.

When they came Gee was riding in a wheelbarrow. That got me in stitches. I was quite literally as high as a high thing when squeaked over to me. She went bright red (probably because I saw her hockey knickers, which incidentally are a rather ravishing shade of navy blue) so I threw myself on the floor and started chanting to cheer her up.

The walk home was a larf and a half as well. I started singing 'We are the champions' as loudly as possible while wheeling her, and all her mates joined in. It was most excellent. I said to them "We are so good, we should audition for the X-factor." Rosie seemed particularly keen on the idea.

When we got to her house I gave her a kiss and left with the promise of pressies. I don't why is said that because a) I'm skint and b) anything I buy mysteriously disappears and ends up on Peter prat's E-bay account. Still, clearly I must an expert at this boyfriend lark because as soon as I turned the corner I heard a really loud "Ahhhhhhhhh!" from the girls.

Oh I'm good.

**Wednesday 13****th**** October **

**4:50 PM**

School was crap. Still, I kept my promise to Gee and dropped off a (hilarious) card some chockies for her. God knows how I afforded them, for I am quite literally broke as goldfish. It must be my charm and naturally stunning good looks.

**Friday 15****th**** October**

**4:30 PM **

School was almost worth going to toady!. I got in detention at lunch with Rollo for using the Bunsen burners as water pistols and starting a water fight. It was brilliant, well worth having to spend an hour listening to Sampson rave on about 'responsibility' and 'etiquette'. I didn't realise at first just how powerful it would be when I attached the burner to the tap using that rubber tube thingy. It turns out very. Rol gave me a squirt in the face and It felt like getting punched and drowning at the same time. By the time we'd finished we were soaking (so wet our shirts were all see through). It was very funny, walking down the corridor to the heads office. It was just as lunch had started, so the halls were packed with desperate 4th years trying to shove their way to the front of the lunch queue. I just happened to have a sachet of ketchup with me in my trousers so I tore it open and smothered it all over my leg and started limping, dragging it behind me, yelling "I'M HURT, I'M HURT!" Then Rollo was shouting "RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" which of course got the first formers in a state of mass panic. I swear I saw one of them run into his own locker trying to escape from the tommy ketchup sniper. It all looked very realistic if I do say so myself. Which I just did.

When we finally emerged from the head's office we came out to a massive round of applause. It was most excellent.

It is at moments like these I almost feel proud to be at Foxwood.

**1 minute later**

Almost.

**Okay, I shall leave it here for now, or it will be ridiculously ridiculously long. Next time will be the red herring reveal and the aftermath for Dave (maybe some Ellen stuff as well, but I won't do all of that because it will take me flipping ages) Next chapter coming next week sometime :D**

**Tatty bye for now XXX**


	3. Decoy duckie

**red herring reveal**

**Hello! Sorry it's been a while but flipping school has decided to get in the way again! First of all thankies to everyone who reviewed, for it twas brill of you all. And thirdly this chapter is a bit shorter than the others, but I felt bad about the lack of posting. Dave lovers please don't kill me, I'm very nasty to him in this I know, but things will get better for the hornmeister. Also he is very unlaughish in this, but for good reason as we all know. Next chappy will be a happier affair and more Daveish, I promise ;)**

**Saturday October 16th**

**4:30 AM **

BAH!

**1 minute later**

I am going to kill Pete if it's the last thing I do. I will kill him. Strangely enough I don't take too kindly to being woken up in the middle of the night by having a water pistol squirt me in the face.

When he did it I shot up and started yelling "A FLOOD! OUR HOUSE IS FLOODING!" while he wet himself in the corner sniggering like that stupid hedgehog dog in Denise the menace.

He said "Geez relax Dave! I was only giving you your early morning alarm call." And then he ran off laughing like the idiot he is. He thinks he's so bloody funny. Well he's not. He's a twit.

**10 seconds later**

A twit with stupid spikey hair.

**1 minute later**

And a shoe fetish.

**10 seconds later**

Wait a minute. A shoe fetish eh?

**5 minutes later**

Ha ha! Let's see how much he like this then shall we?! Now he will learn never to mess with the biscuit!

**9:30 AM **

Woken by my dearest father ranting and raving downstairs. Honestly, no consideration for anyone else in this household. I shouted lovingly to him "SHUT UP NOW, SOMEONE IS SLEEPING!"

Stomp stomp up the stairs, then bang bang on my bedroom door.

Dad yelled "DAVID! GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE PRONTO!"

Charming. What in the name of Mr. Sampson's tartan socks could I have possibly done now?

**7 minutes later **

Well that was the most fun I've had in a while. I got downstairs and wandered into the living room (just in my boxers and sloppy tee) to find mum, dad and Pete sitting around the coffee table just staring at me. Properly staring. Staring in the way that says 'I want to kill you and then sell all your stationary', that sort of look. It was like something from a Mafia film.

I sat down on the sofa opposite them. It was a bit freaky bananas actually. I didn't know people could go that long without blinking. I started staring back at Pete and then it turned into a staring competition. I could see his eyes were going all watery so I kicked him under the table to make him blink. Once again the biscuit wins.

Mum just tutted (complete with synchronised eyebrow raising and eye rolling. I swear she practices it.) and said "For god sakes David! Can't you take anything seriously?"

I said "Yes, I just choose not to."

The mad bald one (dad) then said "Don't be so bloody cheeky! Now you know why you're down here."

No actually baldy, I don't.

I said "No actually, I don't. Would you care to enlighten me?"

I swear he twitched when I said that. His eyes went all bulgy and spazoid. A bit like the crazy frog actually. I should take a photo next time, and send it off to a magazine. I might win a bit of cash for my troubles.

He shouted "DAVID JOSEPH STUART! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!"

I was a bit shocked actually. He middle named me. No, he full named me. He only does that when I'm really in the merde.

I said "Woah, what's with the full naming?! I honestly have no idea what you're going on about. I wish I did, because at least that way I'd be able to give you a proper excuse. This not knowing is very distressing, I hope you realise I'll need counselling if this continues this way. Mum knows, You know, even Peter prat knows-"

Mum said "Don't call your brother names."

"But he is a prat! That little sod woke me up at half four this morn-"

Dad said "This is not what we are downstairs to discuss."

"But I-"

"DAVID!"

I shut up then. I may be a bit on the bonkers side but I know not to cross my dad when he's in full lunatic mode. I did once when I was young and inexperienced on to how to deal with his lunatic tendencies, and for about 3 months after I thought I'd never walk properly again.

He said "Would you care to explain how this happened?" and then with a real flourish he whipped back the rug that I was resting my feet on to show a massive straightener shaped burn on the carpet underneath. It was actually incredibly funny watching him do that. Like a magician. Except bald, fat and a bit on the loopy side. I was laughing so much my sides were aching, but silently of course, because I really didn't fancy being imprisoned again.

I think my side spasms might have given me away though, because he turned to look at me and shouted "OF COURSE DAVID! WHY WOULDN'T YOU FIND THIS HYSTERICAL?!"

I put my hands up and said "Honestly dad, I don't know what's going on here, but whatever you're talking about, I didn't do it, I'm innocent, you can't prove a thing."

Mum said to baldy "Honestly Graham calm down." And then turned to me. Ah I knew what was happening. The age-old good cop bad cop to force a confession. I'd seen this done so many times at school I knew the routine off by heart.

She said "David. All we're asking is for you to be honest with us. Did you burn the carpet? You won't get in trouble, (yeah right) we all make mistakes in life. Just be honest with us for once, and then we can all get on with our day."

I glanced at Pete and saw him smiling. He was enjoying every minute of it. Clearly pouring custard into his favourite trainers wasn't the best idea if this is his idea of payback. I wonder just how long that burn has been there? He must have been saving this for ages, just waiting to get me. Oh I hate him I hate him.

I said " Mum…"

"Yes Dave?"

"I sear that I didn't – "

"- Mean for it to happen, we know dear ."

"No. That I didn't do it. You do realise there are more people than just me in this house don't you? I mean look at my hair! Does it look straightened to you? No it doesn't, because I am not a homosexualist, and I do not own a pair of GHD's unlike that pillock over there, who's hair looks exceedingly straight!"

Pete smirked at me and then said to mum "It wasn't me mum, honest. I would have told you if it was…" in a really wormy pathetic way that he uses.

She tutted (it was a bit violent actually) and said "Don't go blaming this on your brother. He's done nothing wrong here."

Oooh that made me go mad. I shot up like a frog on a trampoline and shouted at her "OH NO, OF COURSE NOT. MUMMY'S LITTLE GOLDEN BOY CAN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG CAN HE? HE'S PRACTICALLY A SAINT. HE SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN BANK HOLIDAY!"

Dad shot up and stood right over me (Blimey O'Reilly he's tall. Why did I have to take after mum and be the short one in the family?) and he shouted "Don't speak to your mother like that! Now go up to your room, and you can come down again when you have thought about your actions. We'll discuss this later."

I said "FINE. I WILL go up to my room, I WILL think about my actions, and we WILL discuss this later because I have done nothing WRONG. Now if you DON'T mind, I'm going to make my dramatic exit, and pray that my wardrobe is a real life portal to NARNIA, so at least then I'd have something to do in this BLOODY house." And then I stormed off, slamming the living room door behind me. It was a cracking good slam, even if I do say so myself. It rocked the walls a little bit, and one of the photos in the hallway fell off and smashed. I did contemplate leaving it there, but that would only give them more ammunition, so I hid it up my tee and stomped up to my room.

**1 minute later**

**In my room, making a protest against the oppression. **

Oh god it's boring stuck in here.

**2 minutes later**

Yes but I am making a point against the dictatorship this house is ruled under. I am practising political hero.

**3 minutes later **

Doesn't change the fact I'm bored beyond belief. I was going to visit Gee later but after that I may never be allowed out again.

**1 minute later**

Well maybe they've all calmed down now and will let me out… it's worth a try surely.

**5 minutes later**

This is beyond ridiculous. My dad has actually taken up guard outside my bedroom door, so he knows that 'I'm thinking about the consequences of my actions.' Seriously, who actually says that nowadays?

I said to him (through my prison door) "How am I supposed to think about the consequences of my actions when I have in fact, done nothing worth thinking about?"

But by that time he had stopped listening.

**10 minutes later**

I am just sexy beyond words. I got dressed (jeans, another slobby tee) grabbed my keys and called out to dad "Oh father, I'm ready for confession!"

He jumped up threw open the door and waved me through it (does he think I'm half man half bull?) and said "Go. Living room. Now."

But as soon as I was out of his reach I pegged it down the stairs, thrust my key in the door, wrenched it open and ran outside.

Oh yes FREEDOM!

I shouted "I'M FREE, I'M FREE!" and then realised dad was looning down the stairs so I made a pretty hasty exit.

It was like being in a film. I had the action music playing in my head and everything went really blurry where it was in slow motion. As I was running down the street I turned my head and saw dad leaning out the front door, throwing bits of biscuit at me. I couldn't quite hear what he was shouting, but judging by the looks of innocent passers by it wasn't "Oh bother, please return immediately."

He is so crude. How does he expect me to grow up and behave properly when he is setting that as an example?

**3 minutes later**

Right. Where to go? I can't go to Tom's as he is working (He's banned me from the shop when he's on a shift, because apparently I 'distract him from his duties.' How many duties can you have when dealing with fruit and veg anyway? ) Rollo's out, Dec's out, Ed lives too far away. It looks like I'm going to have pay the dearest Georgia a visit now.

**1minute later **

I can't just show up at her house and say "Rescue me, my father tried to hit me with his custard cream."! She'll run away.

**10 seconds later**

Or laugh and say something about her raving mad 'vati'.

**2 mintues later**

Well maybe if I soften the blow with a gift or something…

**3 minutes later **

Would half a packet of gum work?

**1 minute later**

Best not to chance it. I don't know how long it's been hiding in these trousers for. Or how many times it's been in the wash. Giving my week and a half girlfriend an incomplete packet of gum that may or may not be smothered in soap powder probably isn't the best idea I've had all year.

**2 minutes later**

It might end up 'bursting her bubble'. Oh how I make myself laugh! I really am a comedy genius.

**5 minutes later**

I've gone for the 'flowery' look. Which means I've ripped out some Rosey things from the park. And got chased by park man and his pitch fork. And then tripped over a pensioners scooter. Still, all's love in the world of PANTS. I hope she liiiikes them. If not she might hit me with her crutches.

* * *

**11:30 AM **

**Sitting on a park bench feeling the utter poonosity of the world. **

I really can't believe just how poo my life is. Is today a 'stamp all over Dave and rip his heart out' day? Really? Because if it's not I'm a ham sandwich in the sofa cracks of eternity.

**1 minute later**

What in the name of arse does that mean? I'm clearly going mad from the utter merdeness of my life.

**2 minutes later **

OH GOD!! She says that. Merde. And osity on the end of every flipping thing. Well done Davey boy, bravo. You really got caught this time didn't you? You had to pick the girl who has her own flipping language and start using it. Why? Because you're a fool.

**1 minute later**

Oh I hate her I hate her.

**3 minutes later**

More than Pete.

**10 seconds later**

No that's not humanly possible.

**3 minutes later**

Oh I love her I love her. Even if she doesn't like me. When I was standing on her doorstep and she told me about her 'red herring' (i.e moi in all his glory) plan, I just felt myself deflate. Like a balloon. Except without the gas (insert Rollo fart joke). I swear the flowers I bought wilted when she said that. They were crying for me. It was like that scene in Bambi with all the toadstools. Obviously they didn't leap up and start dancing about crying 'love me love me' but you catch my drift.

**1 minute later**

Poor flowers. I've just realised I've crushed them in all my manly pain. They are just staring up at me with their sad little faces.

**2 minutes later**

I wonder if there is a flower hospital I can take them to?

**1 minute later**

No, I can't do that. The flower nurses will turn me in for a murder watsit.

**3 minutes later Raining. **

Well here I am. In the park, on the run from a lunatic who assaulted me with a custard cream, a brother I will be giving the largest wedgie known to squirrel kind, a mum who's more concerned about hoovering the carpet than buying me sufficient snacks to live on, and now a girl friend who I almost made cry because I called her a user and a 1st degree bitch.

I just wanted to shove my fist in my mouth to stop speaking but 1) that would have looked at little weird and b) I said it so quickly I didn't have a clue what came out until I thought about it walking home.

**2 minutes later**

Maybe she'll take me back if I do some begging. I can be a red Harold. A thingy ma bob. It could work! If she went out with me a bit longer she'd forget all about flipping Robbie Jennings.

**1 minute later**

No she won't. I was her fish thingy, a decoy duckie just so she could get with the big cheese. I bet she didn't even care about me.

It is official. My life is just… PANTS!

**5:30 PM **

**In my room with Rollo and Tom. Avoiding the lunatics. **

Dad was his usual charming self when I returned home. I believe his first words to me were "Where in the name of ARSE have you been all this time?"

By that time my voice had returned to it's usual excellent tone (for a while in the park it sounded really nasty, like it was broken) and I turned to him and said "Ah dearest father! I'm a tad busy at the moment, so can I ignore you some other time?"

That got him in full on rant mode on how when he was a boy he 'never spoke to his parents like that' blah blah blah.

I said "Yes, but when you were a boy dad, being stoned to death was an everyday occurrence."

Then he started rambling on about respect and crap so I just nodded until I thought my head was going to fall off. I don't know how people can do all this head banging malarkey. I could never be an emo, it would hurt like billio times 1000. And also they never smile. It is rather freaky deaky walking down town with the posse and getting stared down by them all huddled in a corner. I must say they are good fun to wind up though. All you have to do is say really loudly to a mate "oh man here come the chav brigade" and they get all twitchy and agitated.

He finally finished raving about that he started on the carpet again. Oh brilliant, as if life couldn't get any better. I didn't even bother fighting back this time. I just sat on the stairs for about a million years until I got the all clear to escape to my room.

Stomp stomp up the stairs, preparing myself for a night of pain in the bed of remedy when I flung open my door and found Rol and Tom sat in my bed hitting each other.

I said "Why in the name of Gerty are you in my room? Get out please, I'm a very busy man and am very important. I have many appointments left in my schedule."

Rollo said "You don't have a schedule."

I said "I know. I just really can't be bothered sitting up here with you fools discussing Julia whats her face and newts. Not that I have anything against the loves of your lives, but to be honest I am a bit on the pants side."

They both looked a bit uncomfortable when I said that. Oh god what's happened now? They just kept on staring at me like staring things. And then Tom started that jiggly knee thing he does. Stop that, stop that! It's so very very annoying!

Rollo said "Er mate, we heard about Gee…"

Oh fantastic. How in the name of PANTS did they know already? Had I told them telepathically without realising?

Tom said "Yeah Jas told me about it." Ah of course. His radio girlfriend.

He said "Sorry mate, we thought you and Gee were great together. She's easily the best looking girl you've pulled so far. And really funny too. And she has just about the right level of insanity to go with your lunatic tendencies. Actually she's just about the perfect girl for you. I mean it really is just a - "

I said "Tom, please shut up now."

He got all huffy and jiggly (stop jiggling you stupid jiggling thing!) and said "Huh. Well I'm only trying to help."

"Well you're not so don't."

"Fine I won't."

"Good don't."

"I won't then."

"Good don't."

…

"… I won't."

ARGGGH!

**5 minutes later**

I'm feeling a bit better now. Rollo and Tom smuggled in some crunchies for me, so I've got about 5 million of those to last me at least the night.

When Rollo gave them to me (Tom was still throwing a humpty because I hit him with my pillow vis a vis the 'helping' thing) he said "Here you go Dave. We know how much you luuurve ye olde crunchie when you are in emotional turmoil. We did have more but they have mysteriously disappeared on the journey over here."

I said "You ate my emotional turmoil food?"

He shrugged (about a million times) and said "It was very tiring walking over here. We needed sugar to maintain our energy levels."

"But I only live around the corner you twit."

"I know. Emotionally the journey was very tiring. Any way, as your besties Tom and my good self thought we should pop round, feed you up and see how you are. You are not being Dave the laugh at the moment. You are being a non laugh. Where has your laughyness gone?"

I said "It's been kidnapped by the kittykat and the cheese."

Tom just grunted and mentioned something about 'missing a ramble' until I flung some crunchie at him. Then he cheered up. I told them all about what happened and they nodded like nodding things until I stopped and muttered things like "yeah, what a cow" and "better off without her mate" until they got bored and buggered off home.

As they were leaving (through the window as the mad ones have forboden visiters for the rest of my life) Tom mentioned something about having a word with Robbie coming back tomorrow.

I just waved at him like I was the queen until he got the message and went away.

**Okay I'm leaving it there for now. The next chapter will hopefully be up by the same time next week (maybe sooner if my teachers are nice to me… fat chance )**

**S'laters :D XXX**


	4. Jumping back on the camel

**Heya! Sorry for the wait again, but school has me mega busy at the mo. Here we are then, the next chappy. I decided to leave the Ellen stuff till the next one (and then I'll skip forwards a bit to the dumping). Again it's shorter but I really have no time at the mo, and i just wanted to post what i had! any way, i hope you like despite this :P **

**P.S Oh I hate school ;)**

**Sunday 17****th**** October **

**10:30 AM **

Raining

Staring out of my bedroom window at all plants and the bees and the little annoying buzzy things buzzing about enjoying themselves. Well it's all right for them isn't it? They haven't just been told by the luuuuurve of their lives that were in fact a fish. A red fish. That sounds like heron. With an ing on the end.

She who I shall not name (Georgia) has left me on the shop floor of love in the supermarket of eternity. And then trodden on me. So all my lovely biscuitness has been crushed under the stiletto of doom. I am jack the biscuit no more. I am Jack-used-to-be-the-biscuit-but-now-is-unrecognisable-due-to-being-forced-into-millions-of-crumbs.

**3 minutes later**

Still raining. Honestly. It is very true that song, 'why does it always rain on me?'. If there really is a big beardy guy in the sky, why oh why? Do you want me to cry? Or should I just die? My oh my.

**1 minute later**

I really am a genius of grand proportions. I should be a poet. I am too depressed to be a stand up, my laugh has run away. I should put up missing posters and ask strangers if they have seen it. But that is too much work. No, instead I am from now on 'Dave the poetry man.'

**5 minutes later**

Dad invaded my room.

He came in and sat on bed with me. Oh god, he wasn't going to try and talk to me was he?

He said "Hiya son (!). Look I just came in here to try and clear the air over yesterday. It all got a bit heated, and your mother and I are… well we're sorry. I've managed to patch up the floor, so just don't do something like that again, ok?

I nodded ( I had to bite my tongue really hard so I didn't end up shouting "it wasn't me you old loon!") and he got up. Yes result! He was going and leaving me in peace! He reached for the door handle and pulled the door open. Yes that's it, be gone oh portly one. And then he stopped! No! Stop the stopping, be gone, BE GONE!!

He said "Are you feeling alright Dave? Usually you'd give me a smart arse remark and I'd ground you for another two weeks. You've been quiet all morning actually (all morning? I've only been up for half an hour!) You're not having friend trouble are you?"

Oh god!! How did he know? Is he physic? Did he tune into radio Jas on her special about 'Dave's humiliation?'

I didn't say anything and hoped he'd give up if I ignored him long enough. Sadly not. He said "You haven't fallen out Tom have you? Or Roland? You've been friends for a long time now David, so who ever she is, she's not worth it."

"No dad, Tom and Rol are fine."

"Oh (and he looked a bit put out actually) Not with Edward and Dec then? You really can't just let-"

"No dad! Everything's fine with the guys OK? Now please get out of my room, you're invading my personal space."

Then he grinned! Grinning at my misery!

He said "I know what it is. It's girl trouble isn't it?"

Oh I really didn't want to have this conversation with him!

I said "Go away dearest vati, for I am meditating. The crapness of life I am fully contemplating. With you in my room I cannot proceed, so please bugger off with the greatest speed."

He said "Don't be so bloody cheeky. And stop speaking in rhyme"

I said "I cannot help it, this is my new life, for at the moment oh bald one, I am in the greatest strife."

Then he got all shirty and trouser fiddly and said "Fine, I won't bother asking then." and then stormed off. Good.

**3 minutes later**

Pete poked his head around my door and shouted at me "So you got dumped then? Probably for the best. Ollie says that Georgia is easily an 8, an to be quite honest bro, you're not much better than a 6."

And then he ran off laughing.

**1 minute later**

What does he mean I'm no better than a 6?

**1 minute later**

I'm not a 6 am I? Non. I was jack the biscuit. Tis not possible. I am sexy beyond words.

**2 minutes later**

Staring in the mirror. No, I'm definitely not a 6. I am far too sexy. Just look at my eyes, they are fabulous. I am fabulous. Aren't I?

**1 minute later**

Oh god, I'm a 6. That's why she dumped me. Because Robbie the vegetable hugger is better looking.

**2 minutes later**

He's not that much better. He has a small mouth. And ears. I have nice sized ears. And my mouth is the right size. Unlike Mark. I'm surprised he can get girlfriends with a gob that big. If was a girl I'd be afraid of getting eaten.

**3 minutes later**

Mind you, if I was a girl I'd spend all day staring at my nungas.

**1:30 PM **

**In Bumbles café with the ace posse.**

Ed, Dec, Rollo, Tom and me are huddled around a table for two drinking coke. Well except for Ed. He opted for a coffee. He made me laugh because when he got it he took the biggest gulp possible and choked, spitting it across the room. All of us were laughing like loons while Ed was left trying to explain to the owner what had happened. The only problem was that the owner was German, and none of us do that. The only German Ed knew was Fluss and schloss (or flub and shlosh as we all affectionately call it), so after about 5 minutes of shouting river and castle in German she went away.

Rollo said "Blimey, that was a close encounter of the third kind."

Dec said "She's German mate, not an alien."

He said "I know. I've just always wanted to say that."

I am surrounded by fools.

I said "Rollo you are a fool and a twit, but I lurrrve you for it."

He said "Are you on the turn?"

I said "Yes." That scared him. I actually saw him shift closer to Ed. "Relax mate, you're not my type. I prefer those with more nungas." He gave me the cross eyed look and shifted back just a little bit.

Tom said "So I see you've cheered up a bit then. I thought yesterday you were going to kill yourself."

Dec looked a bit alarmed so I said "Don't worry Declan, I've been put on suicide watch. And no actually, I still feel beyond pants and miz. I am no longer Dave the laugh. My laugh has packed its trunk and has run off to the circus. From now on I am Dave the poet."

Ed said "Er, Dave the poet?"

I nodded. "Oui. I can spare you time, if you deal in rhyme. But until then leave me alone to curl up and pretend I live in harry potter."

"That doesn't rhyme."

"Actually I'll think you'll find YOU'RE the one that doesn't rhyme.

"Oh, all right then. So you're still a miserable bugger."

I said "Blimey that's a bit harsh isn't it? She only dumped me yesterday. I'm still bleeding, still still bleeding."

Rollo got all moony and weird then and said "Stop quoting songs and cheer up. Do you know why we have called you Dave the laugh since the third week of year 7? Do you!?"

Crikey. He looked all serious and a bit upset. It was the look he has when he's about to punch someone, and I have seen that look many times. As a group it is fair to say Rollo has the shortest temper when it comes to dealing with the prats that populate our school. He's good for fisticuffs is Rollo.

I said "Er, because I'm a laugh?"

He said "Yes. And what are you being now? An un-laugh."

"Yes, but Rollo, I am in deep emotional turmoil. How would you feel if you finally got to go out with Jools, and then she dumped you because you have normal sized ears?"

"Blimey! Was that the reason?"

He really is a fule.

Tom said to me (while shoving Rollo off his chair) "I think what Rollo was trying to say was that you should jump back on the horse. You have fallen off, so you should get right back on again."

I said "I really don't think taking riding lessons is going to help me here."

Ed nodded and said "There are a plenty more fish in the sea."

"Not in my waters, they've all been swept up by HMS Robbie."

Dec said "You'll find someone new, someone better!"

"No I won't, I'll die alone with loads of cats."

Rollo jumped up of the floor like a salmon on roller skates (and almost knocked the table over much to Bumblely lady's pleasure) and said REALLY loudly "Dave! Stop whinging just because some girl used you to get with someone fitter!"

Tom said "Er, Rol, I think there's someone in Iceland who didn't quite catch that." And that was no exaggeration. Every one was staring. Even the squirrels outside had stopped squirreling about to have a good look. Nosy little twits. He sat down again and started mumbling about how he's never taken seriously, but by that time we had all stopped listening.

Ed leaned forward and said "Basically Dave, what we are all trying to say is go and ask someone else out. Go on the rebound, go with loose abandon! I heard through a certain vole lover that Ellen 'digs' you. Apparently she said that you are 'like, totally cool and, you know… not un-cool or whatever."

Tom nodded. He said "Yep he speaks the truth. Jas told me. She wants you man."

mmmmm.

**3 minutes later**

Thinking.

**1 minute later**

Thinking and getting punched by Rollo.

He said "what are you doing?"

I said "I am thinking."

"About what?"

"About what Ed said"

"Oh. Good."

And then he started punching me in the arm.

**1 minute later**

"Rollo stop punching me now. It is very distracting, and you know I have trouble thinking enough as it is without a dead arm."

He said "No. I am bored, and you are not moving, making you the perfect punchie."

**2:30 PM **

Walking down the street with the others heading to the park. We would have been there 20 minutes ago, but they keep on stopping in front of random shop windows and fixing their hair. They are so vain it is unbelievable. I will never be like them.

**1 minute later**

Just caught sight of myself in the Boots window. I really wish I hadn't. I look about 150 with the baggy bags under my eyey eyes. No wonder I was only good enough for herring material. I really am only a 6. And my hair! Ahhhhhhhhh! Why do I never have gel with me when I need it? I must start bringing it with me. Still, have enough on to keep me going I think. Just a tweak or two should just about do it…

**1 minute later **

No, too gothic. I look like an emo, and that is one thing I cannot have. I am not quite that depressive at the moment. If I just spike this bit up a bit…

**20 seconds later**

mmmm. Now I look like I've been electrocuted. No, I cannot have this. Right! Flatten this bit down…

**2 minutes later**

Rollo caught me staring in the window fixing my hair.

He said "Dave you're beautiful, move on now. You're scaring the shop assistant."

i said "Shut up you loon, i am not scaring the shop assistant!"

Then i noticed that all of the staff inside were staring at me, while i was staring at myself (so they thought i was staring at them)

He said "Yes you are. She is very frightened. look over there, she is selecting her weapon to defend her self with."

The blonde girl behind the counter Rollo was pointing at (like the pillock he is) was looking at me like I was a nutter. I smiled at her and she grabbed the phone, so Rollo and my good self made a hasty exit.

**Sitting in the park under 'the tree'**

This weekend just gets better and better. First I get accused of wrecking the house, then I get dumped, and now I'm sitting in the middle of a field surrounded by tosser Thompson and his band of traniee tossers as they lob footballs at us. Dec had the ingenious idea to burst them, but that would result in a kicking and daily binning until the end of time. That and also we had nothing to burst them with.

Apart from footballs hitting my legs every five minutes though it is quite relaxing.

I said to Tom when we got here "This place is perfect. Very relaxing. We should build a camp fire and roast marshmallows!" but vole man started wittering on about fire and safety and yada yada yada until I shut him up with an expertly executed dead arm.

**5 minute later**

Lying on the floor with my head on Rollo's lap. I tried to sit on veggie boy, but he is officially ignorez vousing me. Honestly, he is so temperamental and moody. He is the complete opposite of me. I am naturally sunny and laugh. He is vole man, in touch with nature and twigs.

**3 minutes later**

I gave Tom a bundle of twigs. He said "What in the name of arse is that?"

"It is your present from moi."

"Again I ask, what in the name of arse is that?"

Charming as always.

I said in the most mature way I could "Thomas. This is a gift from me to you explaining just how sorry I am really am for punching you in such a wonderful, yet clearly painful, manor. Please forgive me oh voley one!" and then I started bowing down to him while on my knees until he gave in.

He said "All right all right, you can stop it now! I don't want those gay rumours going around school again!"

I said "I'm most hurt by that Tomathy. Are you saying you're embarrassed to be seen with me in that way?"

It was quite funny actually. Even in my clud of darkness I can make myself laugh. He got all twitchy and bouncey leggy and went all white apart from his ears which went all red. He looked like a panda. A red panda. With a severe twitch in it's leg.

He said "Come on Dave you know that's not what I meant."

I got in a huff and said "Well, what DID you mean then? Am I not attractive enough for you, is that it? Do you not like my ears? Should I get ear surgery?"

"No I-"

"What would you give me out of 10 for my looks then? MMM?!"

"I, well I… you have very nice eyes!"

"How nice are my eyes? Out of ten? Come on come on!"

"I er, 7, maybe 7 ½ ?"

"Why not a ten?!"

Before Tom got a chance to answer Rollo popped up from behind me and whacked me around the head with his magazine. He said "I can tell you why."

I glared at him. I said (in what I hoped was a cool and dangerous way) "Why?"

He grinned at me and said " Well unlike moi, whose eyes are a sexy beyond words blue-grey and yellow, your eyes are this really weird sort of pea colour. And when you get all hyper or happy or mad or weird or-"

"Get to the point Rollo."

He grinned even wider and said "Well, let's just say that they make you look a tad on the deranged side."

Ed said (with his mouth crammed full of jelly beans) "Nya, Roho's wight."

Dec biffed him hard (good.) and said "Ah don't listen to them Dave. I think they make you look kinda cool. Like you've just eaten a tonne of magic mushrooms."

Oh brilliant, that's why I was dumped. Because my eyes make me look like a druggie.

**5 minutes later**

I said "Well what about my hair? My hair is fabulous surely?"

Dec and Ed just looked at each other and started laughing.

**1 minute later**

I hit Tom on the arm. I said "Tom, what do you think of my hair? It is fabby and cool, no?"

He said "Dave shurrup a minute, I'm trying to sketch this toadstool."

That is the type of thing I have to put up with. I might just as well go ahead and kill myself. Then they will be sorry. He who laughs last laughs er, the last.

**2 minutes later**

Well Ellen must like my eyes. And my hair. Maybe I should ask her out, jump back on the camel of luuurve.

**5 minutes later**

Mmmmmmm.

**Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed, and the next one will be about the same time next weekend. Thankyou by the way for all the reviews last time. They made me grin like a loon. **


	5. Bummer alert!

Ace posse 5 Hello again! another short one, and another filler really. Cheers for all the lovely reviews :D I lobe you all for them ;)

**Monday 18****th**** October :- Stuck in Maths.**

**10:55 Am**

I have never been so bored. Ever. Even learning about 'quadratic equations' was more fun than this. I may have to kill myself, just for something to do.

**1 minute later**

On second thoughts maybe not. I'll make do with moving the desk back ever so slightly every time big ears writes on the board.

**2 minutes later**

Brilliant! Rollo and Ed have caught on! And they have told voley and Dec and Ste and Dan!

**10 seconds later**

Shifty shifty, ever so slightly. Wow this is really quite skilful work. Not only do I have to wait until big ears isn't paying attention, but I have to fight against the oppression Phil the nerd is laying on me. Why I have been forced to sit next to him I do not know. It really just goes to show the type of dictatorship we have to put up with here. I didn't even do anything this time either, it really is most unfair. All I did was put my hand up and ask for some sticky tape. My shoe was falling apart, and I needed to fix it. Apparently coming up with such genius solutions to such problems is 'being rude and cheeky'.

**2 minutes later**

Shift shift shift. Phil is getting all twitchy now. Every lesson he sets out his pens on the table in size order, and every time we shift they roll off. I think he has that whatyamacallit thing. ORD or something. It really is not normal to get that upset over stationary not staying in place. I think he's close to tears.

**3 minutes later**

We'd managed to move about 2 tables away from where we were (very good for such a small space of time, must be a new record) when Phil the nerd put his hand up and 'told on us.' Great, now I have lunch detention. We all do. Phil is getting bucketed later, no two ways about it.

**1:35 PM**

**Detention**

Oh holy mother of PANTS this is dull. Sitting in silence writing out 5oo times 'I will learn not to be so immature in lessons'.

I said to B.G "So I can be immature everywhere else then?"

He said "Shut up."

Lovely. Just lovely.

**3 minutes later**

I've finished all mine (the old stick all your pens together and write trick. We all did it) but apparently we have to stay until the end of lunch. C'est ridiculous non?

**1 minute later**

sent a note to the guys

_posse_

_This is beyond pants. We must fight against the oppression and break free from their rule!_

_D.P_

Rollo sent back

_Laugh a minute. _

_Why have you changed your signature? You are not a poet, you are a laugh, change it back or I will bin you. _

_Ro man_

_p.s Dec says we should score each other._

What?

Ro man

_Huh??_

He rolled his eyes at me. He thinks he looks coolio with the shrugging and the rolling eyes. He doesn't, he looks like a prat.

Laugh a minute

_Don't be a twit of the first water._

Useful, thanks prat man.

**3 minutes later**

Note from Dec

_Laugh a minute_

_Rollo told me you were being thick through the act of mime, so this will help you. We like girls. Girls like us. Girls score each other. Girls score us. We should score each other to get with girls who score us. Voila, no more fish fandangos. We score on 5 vital areas. ( See below) anonymous unless you want to be known. Be true!! It is the only way we will avoid being fish. Any additional comments on the bottom._

_P.S I am not a homosexualist. I caught my sister doing this with her mates. Apparently it helps you love yourself. Unless of course you look like spotty Norman. _

_Eyes: _

_Nose: _

_Hair:_

_Mouth:_

_Body:_

Body?! I sent back

Ant

_Body??_

He just gave me the cross eyed look. As the French would say, tres bien!

**5 minutes later **

I cannot believe I am doing this. I will have to bucket Dec with Phil the nerd as his punishment for unleashing this on us. This is wrong, I am a lad maaaaaan. I should not have to spend my precious lunch time giving Tom a score out of ten for how 'buff' his 'guns' are.

**3 minutes later**

I wonder what they've given me? Obviously it will be a 10, I am the ex biscuit. Actually no, I AM the biscuit. I cannot let one stiletto crush me and dissolve my biscuitness. No longer am I an ex biscuit. I shall stand tall with my hobnobness. Mwahahaha!

**2 minutes later**

Ah Eddy boy, the blonde bombshell, what to give him? I say this in an entirely non homosexualist way, but he is in fact a good looking guy. They all are actually. All the girls across the road practically mob them.

**1 minute later**

Done. I have been my usual humorous self and have given them all marks I feel they deserve.

**2 minutes later**

Got mine back. Rollo the fool and prat gave them to me via paper airplane.

_Body: 9 8 9 6 ½ ( coz you're a short arse mate) _

_Nose:8 8 9 9 _

_Hair: 8 9 9 4 (it's very homosexualist. Very 'oooh how's my handbag')_

_Mouth : 8 8 8 3 (you never shut up)_

_Eyes: 7 ½ 7 ½ 10 2 (Seriously, don't they scare you when you look in the mirror?)_

It is official, I'm going to kill Rollo. How dare he say my hair is homosexualist? I cannot help it's natural straightness. I am the king of hob nobs, of course my hair is gorgeous. And my eyes?? They are beyond the realms of cool. Okay I admit, they are a very strange er, bright green, but scary? If any one has scary eyes it's him. Him and his weird grey and yellow things.

**1 minute later**

And If any one is has homosexualist hair it is him. That is why I gave him a 1 for it. Because it makes him look like a prat (I caught him curling it once, I almost wet myself) It was beyond funny watching his face when he got my scores. He is so full of himself, he needed to be brought down a peg or two.

**3o seconds later**

note from Tom

_laugh a minute_

_I'm taking a wild guess that it was you who gave me 8 out of 10 overall because of my 'incredible likeness to a vole'. I do not look like a vole. _

I sent back

Ah but do you though? I certainly see vole within you.

That got him worried. Some fool once told him that he looks like Colin Firth and he believed them. Him and his stupid jiggly leg. I could feel it jiggling away next to me and I thought we were having an earthquake until he punched 'some sense into me'. He is so violent it is unbelievable. I wonder if Jas knows about hi violent tendencies? I should warn her.

**2 :10 PM **

FREEDOM! We are free! Thankyou lord and my camel. Thankyou Gertie !

**2:15 PM**

I was running down the corridor shouting "I'M FREE I'M FREE" when Mr Hart (less) appeared out of no where and started having a go at me for 'conduct' and 'being irresponsible'. He only shut up when I pointed out his year 8 class were disappearing through the back window trying to escape from the torture of physics.

**3:20 PM **

REAL FREEDOM! I grabbed my rucky when the bell went and pegged it out of Miss Wilson's class shouting "sorry Miss, my camel waits for no one!" Rollo, Tom and Dec were waiting for me at the gates already, chatting up anything in a skirt until the scary pants twins from over the road appeared. We all went really quiet then and Tom whispered to us "Oh god it's the bummers!" Blimey, that's one heck of a reputation. My lord they are scary. One of them has the most giagantibus spot on their nose. It has to be said that it is not attractive. Spotty blew a cloud of smoke in Dec's face and said "I know how to please a man you know."

Dec said "Then please leave me alone." And ran off to hide behind me. Great thankyou Declan. She just licked her lips (erlack x 120000) and the other one came up and stared at me.

Oh god oh god oh god! She wasn't going to try it on with me was she? Please no PLEASE NO!

She carried on staring like a staring thing on er, staring tablets (I've GOT to stop saying that!) and said "You'll do."

AH! No no no!! What to say? How to get out of this? Well, who can blame her after all, for I am the biscuit but – No Brain! Shutupshutupshutup! Now is not the time to ride of on a camel. Wow I really would love to have a camel, think of all the money I'd save on public transport and all of the – NO!

She said "So, short arse, your place or mine?"

I said "Er, both. You go to yours and I'll er, go to… mine?"

She did not look amused. I turned around to the guys for help but they were all peeing themselves laughing. Even Dec. Scare bleu as my non existent French cousin would say.

She looked like she was planning to sit on me so I back peddled a bit and said "Well, you know it's er, nothing to do with you per se (eh?) but I er, have er…" Have what Dave HAVE WHAT? An uncontrollable desire to sniff shoe polish? A severe life threatening condition? A girl friend? A GIRLFRIEND!

"I have a girl friend!" She looked a bit shocked when I said that. Blimey I'm not that unattractive am I? Maybe it's because I shouted it like that bloke in the bath shouted eureka, who can tell?

She said "Right. Who is she then?" Mmm, good question, well done, well asked. Who is she?? I was scanning the grounds desperately trying to find someone when Tom shouted really loudly "ELLEN! GET OVER HERE!"

Ellen! Of course!

She came over looking sort of stunned and mooney at the same time (weird combo) and I said "Ah yes. This is my girlfriend. Please go away now."

And they did!! Well, after a bit of gentle persuasion from the Rollo, tom Dec and myself (I.E nicking their fag packets and chucking them onto the road. They looked horrified and went to rescue them)

I turned to Tom and said "Ingenious thinking bat girl. I almost forgive you."

He said "Almost forgive me for what?"

I said "Ah, you will learn in time."

Ellen was just standing there mooning about so I said "And for you, oh noble prince many thankies are involved. If were not for you, I would almost certainly be bummer chudder right now"

She smiled at me and said "Er, no erm, problamo Dave." Wow, she really is pretty. I knew Dec was staring at her (the stutter caught his attention) but he already had Sammy from the year above. My brain just disengaged for a second.

I said "Soooooo, fancy a raison? How about a date?"

**6:30 PM**

**Home, in my Bedroom. **

It is official, I am the muffin of luuuurve. Not even prat brother Pete and his equally pratish mate Ollie could stop me from smiling when I got in. I even hugged him. (Oh, that reminds me, I must wash in disinfectant tonight)

**3 minutes later**

I'm back on the camel of luuurve! One small bump knocked me off but now I'm flying. I am on a magic flying camel. I'm like Aladdin, only without that lamp thing.

**1 minute later**

I was walking home with Ellen after all the other guys had gone off and we had a good chat. She said how she was sorry about the fish fandango and that Gee was obviously mental if she couldn't see how 'brillopads' I am as I am 'very buff'. I said "thankyou, I appreciate your honesty" and she almost split her skirt. She is a really sweet girl, Ellen. The nub and jist of it all is that we're going out to the cinema with Jazzy and Tomathy on wed. The only fly in the ever growing ointment is that Ell is bestie buds with Gee. I just hope she doesn't mind us going out.

**2 minutes later**

Wait, why do I care what Gee thinks? She's the one that cast me aside like a used up cinema ticket. A thingy ma bob. A doodah. Any way she has the big cheese.

**2 minutes later**

A big mouldy cheese.

**3 minutes later**

covered in suspect green bits and twigs.

**2 minutes later**

Why am I even thinking about her? No from now on my brain will be a Georgia Nicolson free zone.

**1 minute later **

I wonder what she's doing right now?

That's it for now then! again next chapter will prob be up same time next week (maybe a tad later coz of the masses of essays I have to do) Next one I'm going to cover the suspension and then skip a tad to the fish party – what dya reckon? If there's any thing you want me to cover please say and I will most gladly do so but if not that is the plan stan!

**Ta for now :D**


	6. Authors note!

Authors note

**Authors note! **

**Heya! No I haven't died, and no I'm not giving up the fic. I'm sorry it's taking so long but school is flooding me at the moment. I have almost finished the next chappy however, and promise to have it up by this coming weekend! **

**Lovth you always The Wombat XXX**


	7. Slightly larger noses

Wednesday November 3rd

**Hello! The wait has been appalling I know but seriously school is just manic. Oh the joys! :D anyway, here it is, again short but hopefully worth the wait. I realised I got a bit ahead of myself last chappy when saying what was in this one (so the suspension fish fandango is next time – sorry!) Hey ho, lets go!**

**Wednesday November 3****rd**

**9:10 AM **

Arrived to school in a complete 'ditherspaz' (as Ellen says). I was so shocked I couldn't even think of a decent reply to why I was late when Mr Sampson sprung himself on me. I just said "Ah, well why is the world round?" That didn't go down well.

**9:11AM **

Rollo punched me and said "You are being well weird. What happened Davey boy? You didn't even answer Sampson back properly!"

I just stared at him until he got freaked out enough to look away.

**1 minute later**

I shouldn't be feeling like this any more. I am over her. I'm going out with Ellen, who is a very fit girl. She is blonde. I am going out with a blonde. I am over Georgia Whatsherface. Just because I saw her in the park I am feeling all weird and niggly.

**2 minutes**

Stop it!! You are over her! You have moved on, as has your love.

**3 minutes later**

So why wasn't I a prime twit towards her and Jazzy spazzy (who by the way, was on chief hair flicking duties)? Why was I nice? I even joked with them for god sakes! I had a speech prepared for the next time I saw her, to make her feel bad about what happened. Did I say it? No, because I'm a twit, who just took a look at the callous minx and went all gooey inside. It's been ages since I've seen her, that feeling should be gone now! I'm with Ellen! I love another. My camel and I have moved on.

**2 minutes later**

And Ellen is really pretty and smart and blonde…

**1 minute later**

But I prefer brunettes.

**30 seconds later**

With slightly larger noses.

Lunch

**Sitting round our form room table discussing girls.**

I have never been so confused in all my years as a confused teen. Ever. I made the mistake of telling the guys about my bumping into Gee this morning. I left out the part about her looking up Jas's nose. I didn't think Tom would appreciate me outing his girlfriend before her telling him first. And also because every time I think of it I get uncontrollable laugh spasms. Also known as laughing on loon tablets. (I will never understand girl kind)

I said to them (while they were all scoffing my jammy dodgers) " I Bumped into Gee today."

Munch munch, scoff scoff.

"I can't stop thinking about it. I was nice to her. I told her about the time Steve walked into that lamppost. I made her laugh."

Ed said (mouth full of biscuits) "Bwat hats wat ooh doo."

Dec nodded and said "Yes yes he is right. You are after all Dave the laugh. You make people laugh. if you didn't make people laugh we wouldn't call you Dave the laugh."

I said "How in the name of Gertrude did you understand that?"

He just nodded.

Of course. That explains it.

**2 minutes later**

Wow these biscuits are disappearing fast. I dared Ed to see how many biscuits he could shove in his mouth at one time and he is really going for it.

I said to Tom "We should record this and send it off to the Guinness book of records."

Tom said "Nah. They would think we've used special effects. I swear he's got 5 whole ones in there already. That is not normal."

Rollo said "Ah but what is normal?"

Good point, well made.

**5 minutes later**

This is ridiculous. He has got half a packet in there! HALF A PACKET!! That is my lunch he is scoffing. I said to Ed "Ed, can you please stop eating my dodgers? You are taking all the dodge."

He just smiled in what he thought would an attractive way. It wasn't.

**5:30 PM**

**Sitting on my bed listening to Pete getting Bollocked. **

Oh happy days! Finally Peter Prat is getting some agro!! Turns out his 'thickness' got caught bunking off today. The idiot phoned up the school and pretended to be mum saying he was ill. The only snag in his plan was at the time he phoned, mum was sitting in Sampson's office with me explaining why I was late for the 17th time this term. Now, our beloved headmaster isn't the largest vegetable in the shop, but even he thought it was a bit strange that mum was ringing the office when she was sat right in front of his desk talking her 'delinquent idiot' (her words – rather harsh I thought) of a son out of a suspension.

I think mum misses Jake really. He is the good one. And the smart one actually. He never got less than a B in the whole time of being at that prison camp. Me on the other hand, I've managed to get U's in every subject. Even in PE. Rather spectacular I thought, but apparently that's 'not something to be proud of'.

**5 minutes later**

Aw brilliant, Dad's got in on it now. There's shouting and banging. Blimey, I'm almost glad I'm holed up in here.

**1 minute later**

A massive crash from downstairs!

I heard Pete shout "BUT THIS IS SO UNFAIR!"

Mumble mumble mumble. Bang bang, stomp stomp up the stairs. Then dad shouting "DAVID!" through my door.

Oh brilliant. What could I have possible done now?

I opened the door and said (very amusingly) "Ah officer. What appears to be the problem?"

He exploded. Literally.

**7:30PM**

I HATE this household! Seriously, everytime Pete gets in trouble it's my fault! Apparently it's all my fault that he's thick and got caught bunking because I didn't walk him to school. Any way, the nub and jist of it all is that I'm not allowed to the gig this sat. Well, we shall see about that!

**1 minute later**

Hoozah!

**Saturday 6****th**** November**

**7:30 PM **

Right. I'm supposed to meet the posse in half an hour in the park, and currently have no way of getting out. I am grounded, holed up. A nuclear bomb could not get me with all the guarding mum and Dad are doing. And I cannot try the pegitdownthestairsandrunforyourlife trick again coz dad nicked my keys. How said is that?

**2 minutes later**

Very sad, that is how sad it is.

**8:45 PM**

Ahhhhhh! This is ridiculous! I went to mum and said "Mutti, you know how you love me and tell me never to break my promises? Well I promised to meet a girl at this gig and she's going to think I've stood her up and then she will never talk to my camel again."

She nodded and said "Mmmmm, pretty is she?"

I said "No, she is a troll. What do you think? In case you have not noticed I am in fact a rather good looking bloke. Of course she is pretty."

She said "Mmmmm, and you promised her?"

Yes!! I was getting somewhere!!

I said "Yes. And I _really_ don't want to let her down…"

She smiled at me and said "Tough. In your room" and then started laughing. That is how crap my life is.

**9:50 PM **

Oh this is ridiculous! I bet all the guys are having fun and snogging while I'm stuck in here like the only breadstick in the packet.

**3 minutes later**

I've put on my fake red nose to try and cheer myself up. I have to say I still look rather coolio with this on. I should become a clown.

**2 minutes later**

I might change to jeans. Black jeans. My combats are all ripped and torn. Not the look you want to go for when you are trying to prove to Georgia how much she's missing out on.

**30 seconds later**

Wait WHAT? Ellen, I mean Ellen. Of course I mean Ellen. Hahahahahahaaaaaaaa! What a er, laugh!

**1 minute later**

Right here it goes. The old climbingoutthewindow trick and bruising your bum oley. Fist leg out, good Dave, well done. Now just have the other leg and then just move this arm so that it AHHHHHHHH!

**5 minutes later**

Outside… In the rose bush.

Ow ow buggery ow. Bloody thorny twits! Christ this hurts. Never again, never again.

**6 minutes later**

Caught sight of myself in a car window. I have half of the garden stuck in my hair. Like Amy Winehouse, except not quite as sophis. Crackers and cheese!

**10 :30 PM **

At the gig

Yes! Result! I made it, with only losing about of pint of blood. Honestly I will never recover from this, but it is worth it. Ellen, where is Ellen?

**1 minute later**

I don't believe it! She's buggered off! After all the pain I put myself through she hasn't even bothered to wait for me! Typico of girl kind. You fall in a rose bush for them, get your bum oley bruised and thorny, walk around with leaves in your hair, and they bugger off without a 'how's your father'.

**2 minutes later**

I went up to Tom and asked him where Ellen was but got no answer. Too busy snogging his vole loving girl friend. So I looked for Rollo, only to find him snogging the face off some poor randomer, so I left him in peace. I guess he must have bored of stalking Jools.

So there I was walking along, bopping to the music, (it really is quite difficult to start a conga to a song about some mentalist French dude who wants to chop his ear off but hey ho) stopping and dancing with the laydeeez only to find Gee looking like she had starch in her top in the far corner. I think she was trying to do 'the robot' but one can not be sure. And I know I should have just wandered away but…

She jumped when she saw me. Like a salmon on a trampoline. Blimey I didn't look that rough did I? Was my face covered in blood or had I left the red nose on? I quickly felt around for it in my pocket and thankyou baby Mario that I had taken it off. Finally I'd done something that actually made sense. So I asked her if she wanted a drink and she nodded like a nodding thing. Oh phwoar she is gorgy…

**2:00 AM **

**Walking down the streets of er, somewhere with Roll.**

What have I done?

**2:03 AM**

It was nothing. Nothing. A one time thing. With an ex snoggee. Nothing to worry about.

**1 minute later**

Rollo punched me.

I said "OW! What in the name of PANTS!"

He just shrugged (like a stupid shrugging thing) and said "Ah, the lord works in mysterious ways."

He is a prat.

**2 minutes later**

He punched me again.

I said "Rollo, stop doing that or I will have to hit you back. You know what I am capable of, you have seen my playstation scores."

He looked a bit miffed and I felt bad for about a nano second when he hit me on the head and shouted in ear "I SNOGGED JOOLS!"

I said "Congrats and saluts. Jut enjoy it while it lasts because soon she's going to realise that you are a twit."

He just grinned at me.

**3 minutes later**

Oh fantastic. Now he's humming! HUMMING! Why is he so happy!

I said "Stop it."

He said "Stop what."

"Stop being happy"

"Why can't I be happy?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because I say so."

"Why?"

"Coz I do."

"Why?"

"Rollo…"

"Why?"

"Just please, for my insanity to remain you have to stop saying why."

…

"Rollo?"

"Why?"

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!

**3:40 AM**

**In bed, thinking. **

I am just a horrible person. I really am. I have Ellen, lovely gorgeous (although a bit dithery) Ellen. And I kissed Gee! I mean Georgia flipping Nicolson. Who's going out with Robbie. Who will eat me if he finds out.

I was so shocked after we kissed I just started rambling on about farmers and doing my (wonderful) farmer voice.

**3 minutes later**

Nah it will be fine. It will be fine… I mean it's not like I meant to kiss her. I was wearing my red nose for the love of cabbage! I know I'm sex on legs and all that jazz but in general terms red noses are not the biggest turn on for the laydeez. If they were comic relief would be just about the most perfect day around.

**2 minutes later**

And it was only a small kiss! A small kiss between two people who used to go out together. A small kiss between two people who used to go out together with a hint of tongue.

Oh sweet Josephine.

**More as soon as I can XXX XD**


	8. A bit spannerish

**Weyhey! Back again, and I hope you lobe it. Cheers for the lovely reviews, twas brill reading them :P**

* * *

**Sunday 7****th**** November**

**11:35 AM**

What have I done?

**1 minute later**

Nothing, that is what I've done. It was nothing. Lalalalala, Everything is perfect, I have a gorgey Girly friendy, and just happened to accidentally fall against one of her friends mouths at a party after I told her I loved her. What's wrong with that? Nothing, that is the answer.

**30 seconds**

No everything. Arrggghhhh! I told her I loved her. I told Georgia Nicolson I loved her – what in the name of pantyhose is wrong with me?

**1 minute later**

On second thoughts let's not go down that road.

**12:45 PM**

Phone rang

I said (very humorously I thought)

"Zut alors! Ma cab –barge is meesing!"

Tom said "I'm not even going to ask this time. Where did you disappear off to last night then?"

"Huh?"

Brilliant, well done David. That made you sound really intelligent.

Voley said "You heard me. One minute your hanging with us being – dare I say it – almost normal, then you catch sight of big nose and we never see you again!"

"Oi! Don't call her that! I'll admit her nose is a little on the generous side but big, I mean that's just…"

"I knew it."

"Huh?"

"You like her. You were stalking her all evening weren't you?"

"Oh please, I mean that's just-"

"True?"

"No it's just-"

"Fact?"

"Just-"

"Frightening?"

I slammed the phone down then.

**5 minutes later**

**Door bell**

I shouted at Pete to go and get it but the prat ignored me so I trundled down the stairs. Stomp stomp stomp, avoiding the 'throw' that mum reckons makes our house all sophis, but really makes it 'a miss'. Oh how I make myself laugh. Anyway, I got to the door and fiddled with the chains saying "Please make this worth my while, it is very strenuous taking that perilous journey down the stairs with Pete heckling me. I may never recover I hope you realise."

A voice said "Oi shifty shifty out of the door you prat, it's bucketing down."

Huh? Why? How? What?

I said "Jake? Is that you?"

He laughed and said "No it's mother Teresa."

I said "Oh all right then." and then left him there!

**3 minutes later**

Jake's still outside. While I am inside. Eating a hobnob in front of my imaginary fire.

He shouted through the letter box "Hey! Let me in you git!"

Charming. I don't know why I even missed him.

**1 minute later**

I let him in. Probably for the best as he looked like he was going to eat me.

I went to the door and said (hilariously) "Oh JAKE! I didn't realise it was YOU there!"

That's when he tackled me.

**5 minutes later**

Lying on the floor while Jake sits on me and unpacks his bag. Oh the joys of brotherhood. Pete trundled downstairs eventually as well to see what all the shouting was about and then when he saw I was stuck on the floor he started pelting me with midget gems. They hurt like billio.

I said to Jake "Why in the name of Gerty are you here? Uni break isn't until, er, a long time away."

He looked a bit sheepish for about a nano second and said "Oh yeah, yeah. No it's just that er, coz I'm doing so good they let me go like, a month early."

Prat boy said "Oh cool! I'm well going to uni then!"

He is such a twit, it is almost un-funny.

I looked up at J (well, more like squinted as his arse was firmly on my neck – I really will need counselling) and said "ER, Jake. You may be able to convince Pete that that story wasn't complete bull, but I have a modicum of intelligence. You were kicked out weren't you?"

He just sighed.

I said "Oh FABULOUS Jake! That's just fantastic! What's mum going to say huh? She pins her hopes on you – you're the only one who actually got through secondary without getting called into the heads office at all! I mean I was in there three times during my first day and Pete, well let's not go into him. She may very well want to kill you when she finds out."

Then he just looked at me like I was being thick. Was I missing something?

Pete kicked me (OW– he will die, and I will kill him) and said "Geez Dave, I thought I was supposed to be the thick one in this house. Clearly not."

I said "Huh,. What do you me-"

Jake said "For once in his pathetic life Pete has a point."

Pratty said "Cheers mate." And Jake just looked at him.

"That wasn't a compliment. Anyway, Mum's not going to eat me, because mum's not going to find out, is she?"

Oh crap.

**10:30 PM**

Well Jake appearing out of nowhere to greet Mutti and Vati went wonderfully well. No really. Clearly I am the only one with brains in this house, as they bought hook line and sinker he was allowed to leave early. And what's the best thing about Jake being here? Yep, he gets to share MY room. The smallest room in the whole house, because Pete needs to be able to 'study'. Yeah, if by study he means play on MY playstation, which he nicked and never gave back.

So the nub and jist of it all is that now I'm left sharing my bed with a 6 foot oaf who keeps on rolling on top of me, I have no room to myself, and to top it all off, I tried to call Ellen and got no answer. Just… brilliant.

**Saturday 13****th ****November**

**5 :30 PM **

Yes, yes and thrice yes! I met with Ellen earlier. Thankfully the whole red nose fandango seems to have been forgotten. It was really groovy actually meeting her. She smiled at me and made me go a bit spannerish. I did notice one thing though. We were with Dec and Lucy, and every time Ell laughed or smiled (which obviously was a lot because I am la sex bomb comedian) he kept on looking at her. I think she was a bit freaked out actually.

I said to Dec after woulds "Er, could you stop staring at my girl friend, you look a bit of a psychopath and we want to be able to snog without being stared down in the future."

Dec shrugged at me and said "Sorry mate, didn't know what I was doing." Before he walked off with Luce. Weird.

**1 minute later**

Maybe he likes her

**30 seconds later**

As in likes her likes her. Not in the sense of 'ooh look there's an aubergine' but in the sense of 'how's your father?'

**3 minutes later**

Mmmm. He was a bit off with me when I told them about me accidentally snogging Georgia. He called me a 'stupid prat' and stormed off. A bit harsh I thought but preeeetttyyy accurate. But then again he did come back ten seconds later, say sorry and ask who was the better snogger. He is a guy after all.

**Monday 15****th**** November**

**Maths **

Boredom doesn't even cover this torture. Ed is the only thing that is keeping me going through this hell, and even piggy noses (taped back with sticky tape as the Americans call it) wear off eventually. Big ears didn't even give us a second glance. It was only when Rollo stood up and started to do the 'wait a minute Mr postman' dance that he lost his cool, and ordered us all out of the class room. I thought Phil was going to cry. He's never been sent out before.

**3:40 PM**

**In my bedroom**

Ahaha! Back in record time, thanks to J's scooter. I must say I felt very cool and sophis when he came to pick me up on it. Well until Mark big gob (thankies Ellen for the name) shouted "Who's your boyfriend?" at me. Still, I will get him back.

I'm working on Jake to let me drive it, and now seeing as I'm harbouring his secret of getting chucked from Uni, he is pretty much my bee-atch.

**Tuesday 16****th**** November**

**Chemistry. **

Oh flaming Nora I'm bored. Once again I have been moved from Rollo and Tom, and have been forced to sit right at the front with Norman. Why? Because I happened to be playing three-way rock paper scissors with them. Even better, I'm stuck next to wannabe Mick Jagger, Mark as well. This day surely cannot get any better.

**2 minutes later**

Mmmmm, a bottle of methylated spirit right in front of me. Interesting.

**3 minutes later**

Mr Martins was out of the room when I splashed it on my hand. I gave Rollo and Tom a thumbs up and lit my hand on fire with Mark's liberated lighter as soon as Martins came back in. He asked a question and I shoved my hand in the air with the fire burning. I thought Tom and Rol were going to choke from laughing. The whole class was in uproar, whileI pretended (cool as a cucumber) that nothing was wrong.

Mr Martins just stood there for about half a century until he got a bucket of water and shoved my hand in it while shouting "Fire, FIRE!"

I said "Blimey, is that what you call spontaneous combustion sir?."

He just glared at me and said "Out. Now."

**3:10 PM**

Breaking news! I've been suspended! For a WEEK! I came out of Sampsons office after an hour of being referred to as 'boy', 'Stuart', and 'blundering idiot' only to be met by the rest of the senior staff and escorted off the premises.

It was quite dramatic really. Tom, Rollo, Dec and Ed were all lined up besides the lockers as I was taken out of the school waving me good bye. I thought I was going to die laughing when Ed and Dec started clinging to each other pretended to sob.

**4;16 PM**

**Outside school with the girlies. **

I was hanging around annoying Rollo and Steve as they waited for Jools and Claire (Yes, it's official, I have stalkers for friends) when Ellen and her mad crew of mates came out. She saw me and stood still for about 10 seconds before yelling something about fags and running back inside. I didn't know she smoked.

Anyway a million years later she came out and started to walk over with – Georgia! Calm down Dave calm down, puteth your horn away, you only have specific horn for Ellen your girlfriend. She did look nice though. In a scheming minx sort of way. I gave Ellen a kiss (she smelt all powdery, I thought my head was going to blow off from sneezing) and caught Georgia just staring at me. Oh I bet she wishes she'd never used me as her duckie now! Well ha ha! Too late missy!

They started talking about school and I told them about my ingenious stunt in Chemie. The guys laughed (well Steve did. Rollo was too busy mooning over Jools not being there) and Gee went a bit spazoid, which is good. She looks really nice when she's throwing caution to the PANTS. Ellen just flicked her hair a bit and smiled. Sometimes I wonder if she is a laugh enough for me.

RoRo asked us all 'round her house on Sat as well. A good day, even if I do say so myself, which I did, because I just heard it.

**4:35 PM**

Got home from school to the welcoming stare of mum, dad, Jake and prat boy. I said "Ah, bonjourio!"

They just kept on staring.

Oh bugger.

**5:45 PM**

Fantastic. I am officially grounded for the week. It turns out Sampson had his 'suspicions' about whether I'd tell the rents about the whole suspension fandango and so rang ahead of me getting home. Mum just shook her head and did the whole 'I'm so disappointed in you' thing for about a million years and then baldy took over and shouted.

I said "Er, I am not deaf you know, I can hear you when you speak like a normal human being." That went down well.

I kept on looking over at Jake and he sort of smiled at me and mouthed "may the force be with you" before sloping off upstairs. Now I could see why he didn't want to tell them about the Uni fandango. Still, at least he punched Pete on his way out of the room. I will always treasure that moment.

**8:30 PM**

I've been banished upstairs. I have to say being imprisoned against your will does get you thinking. Especially about Ellen. Do I even really like her like that? I mean I spend time with her, I laugh with her, I song her. Snogging is good, I like the snogging, but every time I see Georgia I go all weird and floopy.

**1 minute later**

What the hell does floopy mean?

**20 minutes later**

Jake came bundling in.

He said "Blimey Davey boy don't strain yourself. You almost look like you are thinking."

I said "Shut up, I am thinking."

He said "Blimey. What about?"

"Ellen. And floopyness."

He said "Oh right", and sat down the bed, nodding like a nodding thing. I'm glad he understands, because I don't have a flipping clue what I'm going on about.

I ended up telling J about everything. The whole red herring thing and the red nose incident, even the walking into her in the park.

He nodded and said "Don't listen to your head mate, listen to your PANTS."

Mmmmmm…

I said "How am I supposed to do that? I am grounded for the rest of eternity. I may never see the sunlight again."

He shook his head and said "Listen, David, as you are my favourite I am going to help you out here. I can see you are clearly mental about the girl that you keep on accidentally snogging as you've done nothing but talk about her for the last week or so I've been back. That and also the fact that I am your bee-atch for eternity until I talk to the lunatics."

**Saturday November 20****th**

**6:30 PM**

Right, here is the plan. Jake promised to help let me sneak out of the house and get me to Rosie's on the condition that I a) do his share of the washing up for the rest of the week and 5) I back him up when he does eventually explain to the elderly loons that he should currently be in higher education.

Unfortunately I had to pay for Pete's silence on the matter with all of my crunchies, but he who has the last laugh has the er, last laugh. (I poured cold water into his trainers again. Priceless)

**6 minutes later**

Here goes nothing. RUN!

**8:30 PM**

SUCCESS! Arrived with Rollo, Dec, Ed, Steve and Danny just in the nick of time. It was brill actually. Fish fingers everywhere. And a bit of mad dancing with Gee was a larf and a harf. She really looked like a fish. I didn't tell her that though, I didn't want to get punched so early in the evening.

We played Rosie and Sven's idea of sardines as well. Basically all of us shoved in a cupboard while They snog for England Ireland Scotland and Wales. Rollo and Jools couldn't keep off each other either. Honestly he has no pride that boy.

**9:50 PM**

Tommy boy and Jazzy spazzy arrived! I ran up to him and he took a step backwards as if I was a ghost.

He said "I thought you were grounded!"

I said "Ah, well the lord doth work in mysterious ways."

He said "shut up."

Lovely.

**10 45 PM**

What have I done?

**2 minutes later**

Oh this is worse than before. Very, very bad, in fact beyond the realms of badness and into complete and utter merde.

**30 seconds later**

Why does she do this to me?

* * *

**Hahha! There you go then, and again, more as soon as I can. **

**Thankyou in advance for any reviews left. I love you all for it :D XD**


	9. warning: not the new chapter,but about

Hi it's me. no i haven't dropped off the planet, i've just had work, and have grown lazy. however! i've made a good start on the new chapter, and i promise to have it up by the end of january! I shall see this story through! and for all of those who i usually review for, i'm sorry i haven't for ages, but i will be catching up on my, er, reviews. keep up the good work, i lobe you all. ;) :P


	10. Embrace it!

**Why hello, we meet again! This has taken AGES so i can only apologise for my utter crapness at updating, and say I hope you enjoy this. A tender start as i get back into the writing swing. Thankyou in advance for any reviews left - i know i write this every time but i really do appreciate them. **

Ta Ta

**P.s no copy write intended, so please no law suits - I've only just cleared my name :P**

**Midnight**

Sitting on my bed chewing a jammy dodger, trying to avoid being squashed by Jake.

I can't believe in this day and age I am being forced to share my bed with my brother. Surely this is child cruelty. I swear if I wake up one more time with him slobbering over me I'm packing my bags and getting out of here.

**30 seconds later**

He snores as well.

**1 minute later**

And nicks all my covers. It is not as if I have a double bed. There are not two of me. Mmmm, I wonder how far I'd get if I asked for one before dad gives me his lecture on underage sex.

**2 minutes later**

On second thoughts let's not even think about that. Last time I tried he went on for an hour and 47 minutes. I know because I timed it on my phone.

**10 seconds later**

Mind you, he shut up when Jake ran in shouting his hair was on fire. He'd tried to have a fag out the window but the wind caught the flame and his fringe exploded. Hilarious to the extreme, even if our room did smell of hair for three weeks after.

**5 minutes later**

And he is the clever one. That is the frightening thing.

**3 minutes later**

Yes, well. At least he doesn't try and entice his girlfriends best friend into a snogathon with his (incredibly) excellent dancing. Only a fool would do that.

**1 minute later**

A fool with a red nose collection.

**10 minutes later**

Jake woke up. It might be because I kicked him in the shin because his snoring was annoying, but who can tell?

He said "Oi! Stop doing that. Every fricking night you do that."

I said "It's coz you snore J. It really gets my goat."

He said "I don't snore."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do. You just don't know you do."

"If I snored I'm pretty sure I'd know."

"How? You are asleep when you snore. You don't know what's going on when you sleep. I have shaved off your eyebrows before when you've been sleeping, you thought they'd been eaten by moths remember?"

He smiled like a fool (which he is) and said "Oh yeah… I couldn't be in the same room as those things for years after…"

**5 minutes later**

He prodded me and said "So why are you still up at this hour? I thought the deal was that I'd get you to your party and you'd go straight to bed. Did something happen?"

I said in what I hoped was an innocent and in no way frightening voice "Er, no. No, everything is funky nanas."

He said "So something did happen."

Damn.

**10 minutes later**

I told him everything while sat like a therapist and stroked his beardless chin.

I said "Well, we were grooving like grooving things, and then we started truth or dare, and Jazzy spazzy got a dare to fill her undercrackers with veggies which was fab, and Steve ate raw egg which was just disgusting but then it was my turn and Jools dared me to snog Georgia and Gee went all pink and left the room and I followed her and said "you owe me a snog", she said no, then we snogged and then I may or may not have asked her to go out with me before returning to the party, walking my girlfriend home and snogging her."

Jake said "Blimey" and then started snoring.

My thoughts exactly.

Sunday 23 rd NovemberLiving room

**3:30 PM**

Maybe I should call her.

**1 minute later**

Ellen that is, not she who I will never think of again.

**1 minute later**

Georgia.

**3 minutes later**

Nah. Girls like a bit of space don't they? I'll leave it for a bit. Don't want to freak her out by stalking her. I am not Rollo after all. Any way, Georgia might call.

**2 minutes later**

Not that I'm in any way bothered if she does or not. Hahahahahahahah,

**30 seconds later**

Oh dear.

**20 seconds later**

I think I'll just hug this pillow for a bit…

**20 minutes later**

Jake walked in on me hugging the pillow.

I tried to throw it underneath me, but I lifted myself up with too much gusto and fell off the sofa.

He just shook his head and said "This is beyond the realms of ridiculousness into just plain frightening. Seriously Dave cheer up!"

Cheer up?!

I said "There's nothing wrong with me actually."

He said "Yes there is. I caught you hugging a pillow. Last time you did that you were five and had just steered your bike into a tree. And let's face it that quite was some feat considering the only tree in this place is in our front garden and you were playing out the back."

"Your point is? Maybe I just like the feel of the fabric against my skin."

"My point is stop mooning. You want to be a comic right? Comedians don't stay indoors all day by the phone crying into soft furnishings –"

"- er actually I wasn't crying I was just holding it –"

"-rocking backwards and forwards"

"-slight exaggeration there actuall-"

"-moaning like you've just trapped your finger in the car door-"

"Okay i know for a fact i wasn't moa-"

" - waiting for some girl to call, who clearly just uses them. You have a girl friend, and some snogs on the side. Brilliant. You are a man David Stuart, you're supposed to be jumping for joy with this situation. As a man you are supposed to be ecstatic about this whole fandango. You are in the position any man wants to be in - unless of course you are a man of the opposite sex." And then he skipped off (literally) humming the theme to the 'Great Escape'. By all accounts, that is not normal behaviour is it?

**1 minute later**

And what does he mean I should be jumping for joy? What the hell does he know about my 'situation' anyway? Why should I be ecstatic about having a gorgey girlfriend and her fit mate lusting over me like I am an object? I am not an object! I'm a real boy!

**30 seconds later**

Oh wait that's Pinocchio...

**5 minutes later**

Phone rang

I leapt up like a leapy thing from leapy town and fell on the floor again. Jake came running in to see what the crash had been and grinned.

"Answer it then."

I nodded and pressed the green button, answering in my most sophis manner.

"Good afternoon, you have reached the Stuart household. How may i help you?"

"Oh, er, hiya erm Dave? it's like Ellen here, or you know, whatever."

Oh. Something about me must have changed then coz Jake gave me his 'oh well, guess i better make you a cuppa and be nice to you for half an hour look'.

"Oh er hi Ellen! Great to hear from you!" Well it was sort of. Hearing her voice was kinda nice, I was starting to see what Jake meant about the whole embracing thing.

"Yeah er, you know, you too! Hey, do you fancy like a trip into town or something? Like now, or... or later?"

I looked at Jake and he gave a thumbs up. Oh well, might as well try it...

"Yeah. Yeah, cool beans. Let me just grab my camel and my bumbag, and I'll be on my way."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I really do worry about that girl sometimes.

**Monday the er, whatever. Still November anyway**

**8:35 AM**

BLAHHH!

**7 minutes later**

Oh by the heavenly scents of mango and coconut why today of all days did Pete have to switch off my alarm in a pathetic attempt to play a 'hilarious' practical joke? First day back after suspension and i'm already late. Stupid prat lied and told mum I had left for school before him so mum didn't bother checking to see if i was comatose or not. Really this is all her fault. Sampson will quite literally string me up if i'm late again to one of his rivveting assemblies, so i will just have to remind her of her crap parenting skills when she starts having a go. Pant pant, run run up that sodding hill. What fools thought it would be a good idea to build a centre of education in the most unacessible place known to man kind? It's almost as if they don't want us to go there. I tried saying that to mum and she just laughed. No one ever takes me seriously.

**10:33 AM**

**Maths, recovering.**

Holy Josephine's luminous socks I'm knackered. I managed to get in just after the boredom fest had begun (i.e. Assembly) so obviously Sampson got twitchy and irritated. I genuinely believe he just hates anyone under the age of 20. As I walked in he shouted out in front of the whole school (I saw Tom, Rollo, Dec, Ed, and the others all turn around and salute me, and prat boy Peter started tapping his wrist and tutting. Prat) "David Stuart, first day back from suspension and late! What an excellent start!"

I said "Why thankyou sir, that's very kind of you to say."

He had a minor ditherspaz and half recovered before asking "And why are you late Stuart? I sincerely hope your reason is of a suitable nature."

I said "It most certainly is sir. Sorry I'm so late, but I was just too busy trying to extinguish an inferno. My sex was on fire again."

I know I shouldn't have. I realise that now, I really do, but at the time I think all the running and fresh air had gone to my head, and I'd managed to do my tie up so tightly it was restricting the blood flow to my brainage, so I really couldn't care less what my answer back to him was. The guys fell on the floor laughing (literally) and I think even Pete looked proud to be related to me for once, as Sampson had a full on nervey b. and tried to get the assembly hall quiet once again. The nub and jist of it all is that he failed miserably, assembly was cancelled, and now I'm in detention for the rest of my life. Still, as I was being led to the office of doom (Sampson's hidey hole) I swear half the school lined up in the corridors and started humming that Kings of Leon song, led by dearest Declan pretending to conduct them. It was a beautiful moment in time. I would have shed a tear or two if I wasn't so hard.

**3:56 PM**

Good news, apparently my detentions start tomorrow as Sampson is busy in a meeting today. Honestly that's just inconsiderate. He takes away my freedom once again, and then he can't even be bothered to show up to the scheduled torture sessions. Some people...

I was walking out of the gates with the guys when Tom nodded and said "Oy oy Rollo, here comes your woman." I looked over and saw Jools, Jas, Mabs and Ellen trying to play it cool as we walked out of the gates, doing the old flicky flicky hair thing. What is it with girls and their fringes? Every time i see someone with a fringe all they seem to do it flick it. I used to think it was a genetic thing and that they all immediately developed neck spasms when their hair was cut like that, but after spending half a day with Ed's sister I soon discovered it was to prevent the dreaded 'fringe split'. She showed me what happens when the fringe splits in two. I will never recover from that sight. She looked like Anne Widecome

"Mmm, Rol, maybe you should tell Jools to grow her fringe out, she seems to have a fair amount of fringe flicking mania going on there. Or at the very least get Jas to teach her how to do it properly, she's going to break her neck if she carries on that way."

Tom nodded at my (very) wise words, and said "Mmmm, yeas, Dave for once does have a point."

Then something very strange happened. Rollo gave us a half arsed grin and said "Yeah... That's another thing..." and walked off IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! The boy who had avidly stalked her for what seems like months and then finally got her as his girlfriend WALKED AWAY from CERTAIN snogging. What in the name of pantyhose is going on in the world?!

**And that is it for now. i hoped you liked it, and again sooooooooo so so sorry it took so long to bang out. i'll carry on with it and try and have the next one up during Feb half term. Maybe sooner if i get my jog on!**


	11. Oy Oy chummy!

**Hello to all of you faithful readers (if any are left), and newcomers, and those who have clicked on this link by accident and are now finding themselves reading this pointless introduction. No I am not dead, nor have I had a mysterious canoeing accident. Rather, I have been one of the following a) utterly crap at updating and writing, and keeping deadlines, b) bogged down by pesky school work and revision c) bogged down by any other rubbish daily torture (school) brings to us or d) all of the other options. The answer is D. However I know this is no excuse for how rubbish I have been, and I can only apologise for going completely AWOL for the last oooooh, 7 months. Still, thank you the lord Sandra, Schooling is almost complete, and with the new book out (:D) I finally got my arse into gear and wrote the chapter I promised all those many months ago. I can only hope you like it. **

**p.s my timings and events may not be quite as accurate as before, as due to fact that am les nicumpoop I have misplaced the very book I need for writing this chapter. Have no fear, however. I am currently trying to track it down. So rather than important event stuff, this chapter will be much more fluff based. Also its not that long im afraid, but I thought id better post something soon…**

**Any way, enough of my pointless drivel, I will stop wittering… now!**

Ace posse 8

4:50 PM

Sitting on the sofa eating hobnobs. This is the life. Telly, hobnobs, a beautiful girlfriend (who still hasn't called me by the way, mmmm, I am starting to worry she may have found out what happened at the weekend. Either that or she was just so astounded by my Simon Cowel impression that she simply hasn't had the time to ring) and no stupid prat boy to disturb the peace… This is the life.

1 minute later

Not even Rollo sulking like a sulking er, thing can bring me down.

4:53 PM

Actually I wonder what was up with Roll earlier.

2 minutes later

He must just be feeling odd.

1 minute later

Maybe he is going through the menopause. He has been very stroppy lately.

30 seconds later

And he did seem to have a hot flush in blodge the other day. Very funny to watch, his face went all red and blotchy and he had to be led out of the classroom by a scared looking lab assistant, before he chucked up all over her. Hilarious to the max, if I do say so myself. Especially seeing as the wazarium was about a metre away.

1 minute later

Mind you, maybe that wasn't because of a hot flush and more because we were doing a heart dissection and Dec thought it would be funny to lob his specimen across the room at Rollo and hit him in the face with it. I have never heard a boy scream so much since the time Pete got rammed in the arse by a very angry goat at the local petting zoo.

2 minutes later

And that goat hit him hard

5:00 PM

Damn Rollo and his menopausal flushes! Now I need to know why he has got le hump. It has intrigued me enough to stop me eating my hobnob. And not much leads a man away from his chocolate biscuit, I can tell you that now. Not even Megan Fox. And she has very nice nungas.

30 seconds later

Must ring Tom and find out what in the name of Sampson's pantyhose is going on in the world of Rolland.

5:34 PM

Rang Tom. Quite honestly I don't know why I bother. The big mouldy annoying pretty boy cheese answered (Robbie) and said he had gone on a ramble with is fringey girlfriend. Looking for newts apparently.

1 minute later

I'm not interested anyway.

30 seconds later

Not in the slightest. If a wizard came up to me right now, and offered me gold to ring him I wouldn't. That is how uninterested I am.

2 minutes later

This is completely NOT bugging me. Not one little bit. Not even a smigen. I am the biscuit, the vati. Nothing bothers me. I am too cool. I am practically the Hoff.

2 minutes later

Gave in and rang Rollo. He grunted when he picked up.

'Rolls! My man, my lovely, my saviour!'

'What do you want?

Lovely isn't he?

'Rollo! I am SHOCKED! HOW could you possibly just assume that I'M after something JUST because I am such the biscuit that I CALLED you out of my own free will JUST to see how you-'

I didn't even get to the end of my sentence before he sighed and said 'Go away Dave. Save your stalking for a man who wants it. I recommend Ed by the way, I saw the way he looked at you on the footie field today' and hung up.

The cheek of it. If I had a lawyer and a reasonable claim for a lawsuit I would sue him.

7:30 PM

Oh good prat boy and family have returned from the exciting adventures of pizza hut. I sloped down the stairs ready to tell them I had the adoption papers ready and all they needed to do was sign them, but I only had the chance to say 'I have…' before my dad said 'shut up' and started ruffling Pete's hair.

I did tell him that was disgusting breach of personal space but he just ignored me and went through into the kitchen.

Mutti turned to me and said 'Hiya love, did you sort yourself out for dinner?'

'Yes, I had the incredibly nutritious meal of pop-tarts and cheese –'

'Oh David!'

What?! What is with all of this interruption all the time? Honestly I should just stop speaking all together, become one of those mime artists in Covent garden. I'd earn more money than I do here. Honestly, a fiver a week for all the charm and sophistication I provide?! Ridiculous.

I said (rather more high-pitchedly than I intended to)'What? What have I done this time?'

She started her tutting and tossing her hair backwards thing that she does whenever she's annoyed (AKA whenever she is speaking to me) and said 'I left you salad and coleslaw in the fridge for dinner. Honestly David I don't know why I bother with you sometimes.'

That is the motherly love that I am so fortunate to have. Pete smiled at me and flicked the V's. I would have given him a dead arm right then, but I didn't feel he was worthy of my efforts. And also because that would have drawn the other lunatic (vati) away from the fridge long enough to ground me again. And who said I never learnt from my experiences?

Instead I stayed calm and sophis, as the king of biscuits must always do. I said (in a ver polite and er, biscuity way)'Oh I see, so it's alright for you to take captain prat over there for pizza, and iced cream, but when your least nourished child wants some decent food for dinner, rather than the week old lettuce in the fridge, that is forboden.'

She told me to shut up and started lecturing me on how I am never grateful, how I am always so rude, how I never pay attention blah blah blah. I stopped listening after a while and went to my happy place, shooting zombies on the PS with Dec . So much for freedom of speech.

7:34 PM

Jake returned from outside in mid rant, drenched and looking a little mad.

'Oy oy chummy, how was your pizza? Did you spare a thought for you innocent younger sibling, left to fend for himself? Huh? HUH?!' Normally he would have biffed me over the head and said something rude, but he just said 'shut up.'

Excellent, that's twice now from different family members. It's so nice to be appreciated

5 minutes later

Taking refuge in my room. Honestly I do not joke, I am 1 step away from phoning childline.

8:01 PM

Ooh wait up. Shouting downstairs! But how strange. I am UPSTAIRS! Maybe Pete left a jelly spider on the floor again.

8:23PM

Was sitting in my room quite happily humming the match of the day theme tune when Jake came in and jumped on the bed. Or rather jumped on me.

I said ' Watch it you buffoon and a half. I am merely an innocent bystander and yet I find myself assaulted'. He didn't say anything, and just got up and started packing a bag.

'ER, Jake. What are you doing?'

'I am packing.'

'Yes I can see that. Why are you packing?'

'I told the parentals that I'm no longer in uni.'

Bum.

11:03 PM

In bed thinking. Its weird not having Jake's snoring anymore. I almost miss it.

1 minute later

Almost

5 minutes later

Apparently he is sleeping at a mates house tonight. His original plan was to sleep in his car, until I reminded him that he did in fact, have a scooter. That kind of ruined his plan a bit. He's packed up all of his stuff as well. Well I say stuff. More just all of his hair-gel, a couple of shirts, some pants and a pair of jeans. The rest of his crap is on my floor. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the bag he was using had a massive hole in it either. I think half of his stuff fell on the stairs as he stormed out of the house, which was tres amusant, because despite how serious the situation may be, when the person who storms out has to come back in a minute later, apologise and grab half of the stuff they had packed that had fallen out on the stairs, it is very funny.

2 minutes later

I may use it in one of my shows actually.

Tuesday, sometime in November

3:20 PM

Rollo didn't come into day. I am almost worried about him. That is what I said the Ed as I was making a break for it from Sampson. I said, 'Ed I am almost concerned about Rollo.' He nodded and said 'Yes, I know how you feel.', before showing us that he could fit his whole fist into is mouth. Just how big is his mouth? Anyway, the nub and jist of that whole little story is that I was so amazed that I forgot that I was trying to escape from prison central, or rather 'stallag 14' and got caught by 'I like having a small furry animal rest upon my lip' (sampson) himself trying to leave school. Now I have two hours of detention tonight.

4:30 PM

Is it even possible to be this bored? I am supposed to be sorting out the filing cabinet, and so far I have done a grand total of 2 files in 45 minutes.

1 minute later

What kind of person has a 'detention file?' ?!

10 seconds later

A very sad person that is who.

30 seconds later

Took a sneak peak. Half of those files are for me. Half! I feel rather proud. Especially when you consider that the folder apparently covers all years. I am guessing this because prat boy is in here too. Oh our mother must be so proud.

10 seconds later

HAHA! Rollo has less than me! Now that is what I call a victory, that is officially a fiver that he owes me now. I knew I got more detentions than him.

2 minutes later

Sweet Jesus

10 seconds later

no no, I must have misread that… it cant be true. let me just have another look

20 seconds later

Nope its true. Its actually true. I just thought it was the stuff of legend. Similar to that of king Arthur, the holy grail, or that Mark Big Gob really did once pick a fight with his own reflection… and lost. But no, this is staggering. I'd never thought I'd see the day that Phil the nerd got a detention… for handing in his homework late.

6 PM

Home sweet home AKA locked up in my room away from the lunatics downstairs.

Yes, once again there is more shouting coming from the parental units. Honestly, they are worse than I am, they come here, treat the place like a bloody hotel, and cause disruption along the way. I did tell dearest father that in actual fact, they were causing noise pollution, and faced having an ASBO, but he kindly ignored me. Anyway, they're busy shouting at Jake again. Stupid fool, why come back for another bollocking? Leave it a few days, wait until mum is feeling dreadful for chucking her oldest son out of her nest and then re emerge. Duh.

30 seconds later

I cannot believe I just said 'duh'. I have spent too much time with Ellen, clearly.

10 seconds later

Even though I haven't heard from her in about 5 years. I thought girls were supposed to be the needy ones, WHY HASN'T SHE PHONED?!

30 seconds later

Wow. That was quite an outburst. Maybe I'm going through the menopause…


End file.
